Admitting Defeat in Daily, Weekly, etc

Well it seems that I have admitted defeat for now after last night; sitting in a dark bathroom in a empty bath tub sucking in some THC while listening to some Korn. Is indeed me finally waving the white flag I have held in my hands for awhile now. From this point on it will be pointless to look into any possible job leads that may come my way. Because if they branched off in some way or another, I wouldn't be able to past a drug test. I have alot of bud to smoke so I see no way back into "The Game" anytime soon.

(What Game?") The game we all play everyday, the game called life. ( No not the broad game) Life... reality something if you are lucky enough to be able to wake up the next day to deal with. Its hard for all of us and we all find ourselves on our knees in the mud, slipping and sliding trying to make our way back up to our feet. However I feel as if I have not fallen to my knees but I have face planted in a puddle of mud.

Yea I will pull myself out of it, and I know I will do it alone like always. I'm struggling mentally right now, and it seems I have fallen deep into a all time lower. My manic depression has been on a serious rampage for awhile now, and I can use a little help not from my therapist but someone close. However I'm better off talking to a brick wall, because no cares to listen. They seem like they care and that they are listening but after awhile, I realize that they weren't listening at all. Because they just seem to step over everything I just said and start going on and on about there problems.

Yeah everyone has there own problems, and you need to be your own super hero. But yet they always come to me to rant and rave about everything and anything and reach for my hand to pull them back there feet. But as I look up from the mud I see no hand, I see nothing..... never.

I have been dealing with bipolar disorder alone for years now most if not all un medicated. My therapies is shocked that I'm still here; I have pulled through some dark stuff because I knew I had to keep moving. I don't want to be babied or pitied, I just would like a little support, so I don't have to feel so alone with all of it anymore.

But now I just feel utterly hopeless.. I see no future for myself... I see nothing to work for to wait for to be excited about. I can't find a reason why I should carry on, its not a scary feeling just more frustrated and trapped feeling. I feel as if I have been holding my breath these past few years, working and waiting for something to happen.. But its been two years and nothing has come about of anything. So I'm going to exhale all the built up frustration and inhale some THC and log off for awhile. If they want me to do something they better come drag me out by my ankles, and try to convince me whatever it is that it fucking worth doing.