Another day fonr in Life after death

J has been gone almost a week now. I’ve been back home since Sunday. This house is so unbearably quiet. The bed is so empty. I do not handle being alone well at all. I keep expecting him to walk in the door and say he changed his mind and just wants to come home. I know it will never happen.
I tried going through his things yesterday so his damn family would get off my back. I ended up laying in the floor of my closest clutching one of his hoodies and bawling my eyes out. I was crying so hard I was physically ill. i tried calling my counselor but ended up on hold for close to 20 minutes so I hung up and called my family doctor. He was pissed. He and the counselors are in the same practice so he was going to give them an earful. In the mean time he told me to take an extra Atavan that I have for anxiety and PTSD, wait about 30-45 mins and take one of the Norcos I have for pain issues. About 15 mins later my counselor called me and wanted to know if I had plans to hurt myself. No absolutely not. I may not be a practicing Catholic so I’ve been taught that suicide will stop your entry to heaven and I just can’t take the chance of never seeing J again let alone Ronnie.
I mentioned J’s family earlier. They are driving me crazy. I am doing my best to keep them on good terms but as soon as I get the Jeep into my name from J’s, I’m done. Why do people act like assholes when some dies? This happened with Ronnie, the with my Mom and now with J.
Oh if one more person tells me this will c get easier, I may just scream. I’ve done this before, I’ve been down this same exact road. I know time will help but it will never ever be better, more bearable yes but not better.....
I miss you J, so fing much. My heart hurts constantly. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know if I can do this on my own. I don’t know if I even want to be here to do this…