Thoughts in The Wanderer

Every Wednesday is the day I meet up with Orlando in Claremont to discuss philosophical topics. Yesterday we talked about obtaining the ultimate conscious and how many people believe the conscious is not a part of the brain. I don't know what to think about that. I think the two go together, but regardless, I believe one can obtain a higher consciousness through awareness. That is what I have been working on now that I, for once in my life, have time dedicated to myself. I thought back and realized for years and years I have been following everyone else's dreams. There was one time I was hit in the face with something difficult and actually did something positive from it (When I got a DUI and spent a year of hell and then moved away to WA) But even then I got wrapped up with a guy (Dave who I ended up marrying) and my life went in the direction of his dreams. Now I am back to square one, living in Southern California with both of my parents, and I have a lot of alone time to figure out what I really want out of this life.

After hanging out with Orlando, I go to my psychotherapy group and it has been such a positive experience. I adore all the ladies in the group and it is so amazing how an hour and a half of opening up to one another brings us closer and more in tune to our own emotions. Yesterday I realized I spent most of my teen years being an emotional wreck, and now that I am an adult, I rarely get emotional. I understand my emotions because I think things out, but I don't let myself be at peace with a particular emotion I may be feeling at the moment. This group is designed to help us be okay with whatever emotion we are feeling and understand that emotions transition and can be all over the place, but as long as we are in control of them it is okay. I thought about my childhood self, and how I feel like I have disappointed the child Natalie. I was always honor roll student, in G.A.T.E, teacher's pet, strong ambition, desires to succeed and I could have gone far if my family life did not fall apart and cause me to spiral downward and into an emotional despair and state of rebellion. Who I am now is reflective of a lot of things, but I tend to concentrate on my failures and disappointments. The group leader calls it the "perpetual fuck up" and I realized that is exactly how I feel. And isolating myself away from people is natural at the moment because I feel so judged by everything wrong I've done. Other's opinions of me have always clouded my own judgment and made it very difficult to have a positive self-esteem, and now I am so vulnerable as I become aware of who I really am. I need to surround myself with only the positive because it could be really easy for me to slide down the spiral again.

For now I am proud of myself for accepting my failures, and having the courage to move on from them and stay aware. I think a higher consciousness is coming.