3 Questions in Eye of a Hurricane

I’m now delving into shadow work before I officially start my day, seeing as I’ve been in a depression bout for about 2 days now. My partner keeps telling me that I’ve hurt her in one way or another and it’s taking a toll on me. I know, wah wah, boo hoo, bla bla bla. Don’t jump down my throat about it. I already believe I’m a monster. I don’t need anyone else on top of it.
Anyway the assignment is thus: I must write about the following 3 questions:
What parts of you do you dislike?
What parts of yourself do you judge?
What parts of yourself do you fear?
This should be easy enough. I hate myself, so this will be a breeze.

Question 1: What parts of yourself do you dislike?
Ahem. :Unfurls long ass scroll: Allow me to display a list.
I dislike my depression, my anger, my abusive nature, my un-resilience, indecisiveness, low EQ, how I’m wrong about 90% of the time when it comes to anything, my inability to do math, my ADHD and distractibility, my inability to understand and participate in relationships, my past, my present, inability to take criticism, lack of future, can’t hold down a job for long, impulsiveness, how I live tweet my breakdowns, my need for attn, my projection onto others of my past… That’s all I can come up with right now, but there’s a whole lot more.

Question 2: What parts of yourself do you judge?
I judge pretty much all the above and my immaturity. Despite all the travels I’ve had and the experiences I’ve had, I’m still a child. And I act like it all the damn time. I think that people pity me and then that just aggravates me. Then I judge myself for not being able to control my anger, forgetting everything. I wonder constantly how I’m still alive when I should have died several times. I judge my contradictory nature. I say one thing, then do another, then say another thing that totally goes against what I had said in the first place. I’m constantly debating myself and my own beliefs to a point where I don’t even know what to think because I’m too busy debating myself and trying to reason with unreasonable parts of me.

Question 3: What parts of yourself do you fear?
I’m afraid of my abusive nature. That I’ll truly become the monster that made me. I have fought so hard against it, but with every time that someone says I’ve hurt them in some way, I immediately go into a downward spiral that leads me to believe that I am my abuser. That all my efforts are for nothing, that no matter what I do, I’ll just become him.
I’m also afraid of being noticed. Being noticed gets you hurt. Every time my own abuser noticed me, it was only to dish out some comment or a look at made me want to die. I still want to die. But there’s something in me that’s scared of even dying. Something in me just won’t let me, and I’m constantly battling that part of me that wants to remain alive. It’s winning right now, but at what cost do I continue living?

The person that assigned this said that these are clues about my “gifts” (yuh okay) and about what parts of myself that I reject that need to be integrated into me. Because my shadow side is VERY strong and damn near parasitic. It’s like another entity that I’ve given life to that I constantly have to fight. It makes itself known fairly often, but I have to tell it to f*ck off all the time. It’s not welcome because its impulses will only cause more trouble for me in society.