Conflicted... in 2020

I’m having some conflicted feelings lately. Don’t get me wrong… I love my bf and it’s not about him. I think I just haven’t really ever fully gotten over my previous bf. It’s hard to do that when you have to see the person nearly every day.

It’s completely messed up… bc we dated and we were really happy but he couldn’t deal with the guys at work teasing him. Then he pretty much cheated on me with some bar slut that he ended up moving into his apartment. He can’t stand her… so then he cheats on her with me. And stupid me really thought for a while that he was ready to grow up and ditch her and have a real relationship, but I realized pretty quickly that it wasn’t going to happen. Not long after that realization I met my current bf.

Since then… he started cheating on the bar shut with an Asian girl who all the guys at work just refer to as yumyum. I hear he’s knocked her up and she’s due in December, but as far as I know, bar shut is still living in his apartment and has no clue.

A lot of it is that he’s having a baby. And we talked about having kids. And I just don’t seem to be able to do the one thing you’re supposed to be able to do as a woman. It’s frustrating.