Deflate like a balloon. in Random

  • Sept. 21, 2020, 1:05 a.m.
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Another birthday has passed, I’m closer now to 40 where I had always said 25 was going to be my cutoff. I have been so out of it today, there could be a few different reasons why…my medication lapsed yesterday because I didn’t renew it in time. Hopefully, it’ll be here tomorrow. My partner says I’ve been “out of it” for a while. That’s probably true. She’s become fed up with it, I think. Maybe that’s not the right word, exactly, but it’s clear my disconnects are happening too frequently and she’s stopped being concerned about it. She also told me today she believes I get conveniently sick when I want to get out of things. I don’t consciously do it but I wouldn’t put it past myself. I do tend to feel crappy a lot and it would seem the only real explanation is just that I’m a douche who uses it as a “get out of social obligations” card. I’m just boring and pretty dumb and I don’t really like to socialize. It’s hard when you’re neither intelligent or fascinating.

I’ve been tossing around this idea, lately, that I actually died back in June 25, 2015 and everything since then has just been a weird, Sartre-esque (Sartresian?) hellscape. I had a bad car accident that day and I always thought it was pretty crazy that I walked away from it; is it that far-fetched to think I didn’t?

Barbara Bad September 21, 2020

No one's completely intelligent or fascinating. Anyone who is amusing on the outside must be in total turmoil outside and the more you know, the less you think you know.

I wonder if you have some kind of ptsd or survivor guilt from the accident? I know with vets who come back from having bits blown off often the most successful see that as their death day, the old them died for sure. But they have a new life and start afresh. It's a nice way of recovering from trauma.

*_* September 21, 2020

Feel better

Cattlefish *_* ⋅ September 21, 2020

Thank you, I shall try

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