Running away. in 1. Sometimes giving up is the only way.

Searching for a sense of purpose. Trying to find where I belong.

2 days. That’s how long i managed to stay sober before things blew up and went to shit.

10/11 weeks ago my work cut me down to part time, 20 hours a week. On top of that they took another 5% off my money. I let them know that I couldn’t live and support myself and my family off that kind of money. The owner of the company assured me that I could get unemployment to make up the missing amount. I agreed to apply for partial unemployment and let that work out.

My rent got cut in half but even that was almost too much along with all the other bills, my child support car payment etc etc.

8 weeks in I’m still not getting paid from unemployment. I reached out to them, they informed me that I had messed up the first 2 weeks and it was waiting on a determination. To be fair I did screw them up by putting down my normal paycheck amount, I did try to correct it but all I could do is flag it and wait for them to reach out to me. They never did.

The lady on the phone was rather helpful and got those fixed and told me the determination would be made in the next 10 business days. Sadly it was friday so I fully expected it to take 2 weeks maybe even 3. The next Monday I came into the office and informed my boss of what’s going on and that i’m pretty much out of money. I had borrowed some money from my brother but that went quickly and I have no way of paying him back, my brother doesn’t want the money back he’s fine but I don’t like it. I also talked to the Head of HR, who assured me that i need to keep reaching out to unemployment and “Light a fire under them.”

I waited a full week then on Friday (day 2 of soberity) decided to call back just to make sure things are progressing, a different person talked to me and was surprised that I didn’t know I would be getting nothing. Confused I asked her to explain. Turns out that unemployment had me set to recieve 446 per week, I made 458 per week. Since i made over the 446 I would not recieve anything. But wait what? because i make 12 dollars to much i get nothing?! No. She had to explain further. Let’s say i made 400 dollars a week, then i would get 46 dollars from unemployment. I was shocked/stunned. I have been thinking i would ge tthe 446… because i was on unemployment. The lady said “Well this is just to help you get by it’s not a replacement for a paycheck.” To which i said, madam i’m 38 years old and have never been on unemployment. I didn’t know that this is what it was. I left my office walked to HR, still on the phone with the unemployment lady, Tell the HR director that, I’m not going to be getting any money at all.

He laughs, and says “Well yeah duh we knew that.”

That was the wrong way to react to this situation.

I walked back to my office told the lady thank you for her time and that i needed to hang up the phone. She tried to explain again why I wasn’t getting money. And I calmly (i think) told her that I understand now but I have been lied to by my work and now i’m thousands of dollars behind on my bills and was assured that I would get this money to help out. I now need to go talk to people at my work and I do believe there will be yelling and swearing. I’m not mad at her, i’m furious with the whole situation but I know it’s not her fault and she’s just doing her job. But if i don’t hang up the phone right now i’m going to end up yelling at her.

She disconnected the call.

I walked back into the HR’s office. Closed the door behind me and screamed and swore at him for 10 minutes about what a fucking job this was how dare he laugh at the situation when i’m about to be homeless because of his fucking mistake. the HR guy is in his 60’s. He looked pretty white in the face when he realized how furious i was and that it was a very serious matter. Yelling at him was worthless there was nothing he could do but he deserved it and I couldn’t help myself.

I came back to my office texted my boss and told him I’m going to have to quit because I can’t work part time here. IF he could fire me and i could collect unemployment that would be great but i know he can’t do that.

I closed the door to my office and paced. Clenching and unclenching my fists. Unemployment was going to pay me 5k i thought and had been banking on that. I missed my son’s birthday (wasn’t able to buy him anything) i’ve been living in poverty and dealing with all of this and they knew the whole time? I don’t cry but tears of pure frustration leaked down my face for about 20 minutes. because what the fuck was I going to do? I couldn’t quit, then i have no money coming in and i can’t file for unemployment. So despite everything telling me to walk out I couldn’t. I can’t demand t hat they give me the money I missed out on, because I didn’t work. The company has been downsizing b/c of covid and they aren’t going to give me shit.

I was planning on using that money to move out start over. Now I have nothing. nothing at all. i could move to my car.. but without a job or money incoming what good is that? So once again because of factors completely outside of my control i’m poor and about to be homeless and there’s nothing I can do.

My boss called, told me to not do anything rash and he’s going to fix the problem. I just mumbled okay. I couldn’t talk I think i had a panic attack but i don’t know. My throat was closed up and i couldn’t think of anything. I stayed at work for the last 2 hours. did the work expected of me. Because what else can i do. Mindless stupid tasks. Just.. ugh whatever.

At 5 I left and went ‘home’. I was supposed to help my son with a project but he asked to wait till the next day which was probabl better. Ash had found a vape pen with thc and i took it from her. 2 hours later I was high and calmer. I realized fuck it. Monday they will either have to fire me or i will start being such a shitty employee they will HAVE to fire me.

I texted my boss and told him sorry for blowing up at everyone and that I would apoligize to Patrick (hr guy) on monday. He told me not to do that. He said me going off on patrick was the best way this could have gone because now he can go to the owner and say wtf man look what you did. Because he pointed out to the owner that he was the one who told me I could get unemployment and that i had said without it I can’t work for them. He was pushing the owner to reinstate me back to full time and to give me 6k in a bonus (they cut off my yearly bonus, again covid) to make up for it. He said for now I need to keep playing up the ‘i’m quitting’ thing until something happens.

I agreed. I spent the weekend hitting the dab pen and just saying fucking whatever to everything. I ignored Ash. Only spent time with my son. Ash apoligized for… everything, making me think she reads this (i doubt it, no one reads this) and pointed out she’s been ignoring me and not doing her… ‘girlfriend’ obligations. Which.. is her thing I don’t know wtf she’s talking about.

Monday comes around, I am supposed to work at noon but haven’t heard anything. I figured all weekend that i’d come in monday and they would fire me tuesday. Since Tuesday is the last day of our screwy pay period. So i was waiting on that, instead my boss texts me at 11 am to let me know that I’m now a full time employee. I asked starting when. He let me know I’m late already. He’ll let it slide this time b/c i’m a new full time employee but I need to be in the office at 8 every day going forward. My boss has a unique sense of humor.

Monday night when I got home, ash had several surprises for me. 1 her ebt(food stamps) card came in (she has over 3500 in the account b/c of them forgetting to send her card out in March) 2. her family gave her 1000 to help out in these trying times.

So yeah things are.... better now. Going from stressed beyond belief to being financially stable again in a few days is… rough. But it’s a lot of stress gone and hopefully things will be okay.

I skipped out on walking the last few days, due to getting home to late, being exhausted and just sheer lazyiness. I’m going tonight though and planning on going every night after. Since i’m getting up early again i might start running.. well walking in the morning. But that’s later on not going to try that just yet.

I’m pretty sure those 2 days of soberity pushed me into a self destructive depression. Mania? manic? i don’t know w hat it’s called but it’s part of a pattern i repeat. I’ve staved it off b/c I quit drinking but now it’s happening without it and that’s not a good sign. Being broke and worried about money didn’t help either but it’s still not something i want to repeat.