What is in 1. Sometimes giving up is the only way.

Loneliness?

I’m alone in this house with 3 other people. No one cares how I am. Just as long as i’m there to fix everyone’s problems.

I’m so tired of being the one to take care of everyone else. i just want… to quit.

that’s not allowed. (i never realized how much it pisses me off when people spell that aloud)

Fuck it this is about kate. It’s always about her. I justify my actions by telling myself it was what’s for the best.

For her.

Not for me, I helped her become.. whole. now she’s able to go out and do things, she’s dating other people she’s.. not thinking of me.

That’s what hurts i guess. how quickly i went from a priority to nothing. No no, it’s not her fault. It’s mine and mine alone. I chose to leave her. I broke off whatever it was. I’m the one who didn’t talk to her for years b/c my new g/f would have gotten mad. I needed a place for my son, and my mother. and now i’m stuck here.

I’ve been high for the last.. 5 years. don’t get me wrong it’s just weed, but it’s another crutch. I’m not addicted it’s jsut fucking weed, but it gave me enough of an excuse to not do anything.

now due to covid, unemployment not coming through after 10 weeks i don’t have the money to get drugs.

I’ve been sober 2 days and it’s.. devastating. this house is a fucking piece of shit. My ‘girlfriend’ can barely stand me, but i’m paying the bills so she’s putting up with me.

we don’t talk, we barely can be in the same room together.

However, i’m writing again. I weighed myself, i won’t tell you how much enough to say i’m embarrassed. went for a walk last night, i know better than to start off running. today i walked again. not much, but i’m going further each day.

Sex has become a chore, her voice annoys me, just always complaining and bitching about… nothing.

I know it’s ironic i used to be the negative one, but i finally stopped and… it’s just.. draining. No wonder i was high. easier to deal wth it.

I’m coming up on 40. i can’t do this anymore. I’m debating just leaving once my unemployment comes through but i can’t do that. Depsite it all I do still care.

Let’s talk about pain. That was the inital reason for smoking. My back and .. just everything hurts. That came crashing back. I’ve noticed my fingers go numb every so often in my left hand. usually while sitting at the computer. which is.. bad since that’s what i do for work

of course i don’t have insurance of any type. America.....

Even if i did get insurance from my work. It would cost me 1/2 my paycheck just to cover me.... and then i still have to meet the 3k deductible before insurance even starts to cover things.

I’m a mess.

Oh and the depression. I’d love to go see a therapist or something. Can’t do that. without insurance can’t afford it.. with the insurance it’s like 90 to 120 a visit…

america is a fucking joke.

of course can’t afford to leave. and covid. so couldnt’ leave even if i wanted to.

I gotta get my shit together. As per usual i don’t have anyone to lean on. And that’s enough of the self pity.

I got this.