My Friend? Or Just An Ass I know... in On The Topic Of nothing:
- Sept. 2, 2020, 8:03 a.m.
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- Public
I’ve considered this guy a friend for almost 20 years. He’s selfish, he uses others for his own gain, he’s a show off, and an alcoholic. But, he helped me though some very difficult times though my life.
He’s done a lot of shitty things but he’s also helped me a lot over the years in his own way. About a year and a half ago was when the straw broke the camels back for me. I had lost my papaw two weeks prior and my granny was currently lying in the funeral home.
I had invited him down for the visitation and to be a pallbearer because he had known her. And I didn’t think he would mind to help out during this time. The visitation was fine. My Mom and Dad had decided to spend the night with me, my buddy, his girlfriend, and my girl friend. We had a full house.
The visitation was on new years eve. Him being the alcoholic he is, decided that he had to get drunk and put on a show in front of my family. That’s who he is, drunk P. T. Barnum… “Step right up, and watch the asshole show…”
We watched him drink himself into a stupper, while we were all in morning.
Next day comes around and he left before the rest of us, and we all meet at the funeral home. He does his duty at the funeral. After we get my granny to the cemetery some of her cousins were going to have a dinner in her honer. I ask him and his girlfriend if they would like to go. He says he can’t he has to get back to the city for some sort of party or something. It’s not that I cared that he had to be other places. It’s the fact that I needed a friend at the time. I felt like I had gotten thrown under the bus for a shitty party no one likely remembers.
It bothers me that I’ve always been “ol reliable.” He’s said it many times that I’ve always been the guy that could come though. To me the favor wasn’t repaid. All I ask was one thing and that was too much.
Fast forward to the last month:
His girlfriend’s birthday is coming up, he’s been begging me to come to the party. I told him I couldn’t make it about three weeks ago. This morning I awoke to find a text sent at like 1 AM. His girlfriend had been asking about me and he thought that I should reconsider coming to her party.
Side Story:
I ask them to come to my birthday the last two years and they declined. Actually I’ve only seen her once, and I’ve seen him twice in the last 18 months. Also I had other friends decline because they thought he was going to be there.
Back to the future:
I don’t like to feel this way. I keep blaming myself for even inviting him to be a pallbearer. I’ve known he was an alcoholic, and I should have known what he was going to do. It’s kind of like telling a pissed off wasp not to sting. It’s going to sting no matter how much you wish it wouldn’t.
I’ve always been the forgive and forget type of fella. I’ve let things slide over the last 20 or so years. Hell, if I didn’t let things slide sometimes I wouldn’t have any friends… Life is too short to hold on to bullshit.
I sorta want to go the party this weekend. But more to see everyone and celebrate his girlfriend’s birthday.
My girlfriend hates him, actually all my friends hate him which I guess speaks volumes. But I know she isn’t going to go to the party if I end up going. Then that leads to questions about why she isn’t with me, then shit starts to snowball. I hate answering questions like that and trying to stay courteous.
I’d like to forgive and forget but I’m not sure I can on this one. I mean I’m sorta pissed off / hurt just writing this… But on the other hand I kind of miss the guy I thought of as a brother…
Anyway, what’s your guy’s thought’s?
Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ September 02, 2020
I think an alcoholic is an addict. It's not a character defect that he's just 'acting' like an asshole. he might be an asshole, but he's also an addict, and that comes first for him.
Second, he might have not agreed to come to your Grandma's dinner because he was ashamed of how he was acting the day before, and wanted to distance himself. That might be attributing motives to him, but that's a possibility, not just "fuck this guy."
He invited you to his girlfriend's birthday party, so he's comfortable with you and probably likes you a lot, or wants company, or something. I'm sure he has plenty of drunk friends to hang out with, ya know? He probably sees something good in the relationship.
That all said, understand about wanting to hold onto a friend, especially one who has helped you a lot. I understand being angry about the pallbearer thing, but I'm sure he feels ashamed of that, or maybe he does anyway, and again, he's an addict, so condemning him for that could either be a wake-up call or another nail in the coffin.
but if everyone you know hates him, and you can't have a real relationship with him, and he's undependable, even if you own him a debt of gratitude, I think it's probably better to part ways, with a thanks and I appreciate everything you've done for me, but we're going in different directions. That said, i wouldn't hate him too much for being a drunk. Sometimes people who are fucked up on something can't really help how they're acting. As I was told about a drug addict I knew, "it's not the person, it's the drug."
That might be bullshit, but it's worth noting anyway.
juliuslargo Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ September 02, 2020
Man, you make some really awesome points here, I really appreciate your comment it give me some different point of views to consider. That's why I post on here so I can get other views. I know my narrow view of things is more often than not viewed in the wrong direction of things. Thanks again for your comment!
Sleepy-Eyed John juliuslargo ⋅ September 02, 2020
No worries. It's interesting to read other people too.
At any rate, I think having a "chat" with your buddy is in order. But I'd think it through so you get your points across. I don't like when things end and you're like what the fuck just happened.
juliuslargo Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ September 02, 2020
I should probably sit down and make myself some bullet points that way I can know what I need to cover. and a talk definitely needs to happen doesn't matter the outcome.
Wrennie ⋅ September 02, 2020
Alcoholics are hard friends to have... I guess you have to weigh what this person brings to your life. If it's only stuff from the past that keeps the friendship going, maybe it's time to cut ties and move along.
juliuslargo Wrennie ⋅ September 02, 2020
No kidding, I've sorta found that out over the years! He's always been a great person when it was just him and I but the moment someone else walks in straight to putting on a show for the cameras. He really likes to be the center of attention even if that attention is bad I feel like. Thanks so much for your comment!
Sleepy-Eyed John juliuslargo ⋅ September 02, 2020
Could he be shoring up insecurity by putting on an act? Like he feels comfortable and safe with you, so he can relax and be himself, but when someone else shows up he's like shit, I'm a fuck-up and wants to make sure he's seen in the best light. I dunno. Just a thought. He could be simply wanting attention and to manipulate people though, but I think we all crave that to an extent.