After work today, I went grocery shopping. I came home and sauteed onions, zucchini, yellow squash, carrots, garlic, and sausage. I added a little salt and a little cheese, and put it in a tortilla. Yum.
I have an app on my phone that I'm using to track my periods now. I had weird spotting for a few days starting March 19th, and I have more of that starting today. We have had some new front desk girls at work, and that often throws me off. I've also been stressing out about something Keri said a few weeks ago. Keri said that she thinks that Ian and my problems are "fixable."
Distress happens when the brain tries to hold conflicting views. On the one hand, Ian has neglected me and taken me for granted for years. On the other hand, Keri says Ian wants me. I do want to have a romantic partner, and since Ian and I are already living together, it would be awfully convenient if worked out with him. The thing that stresses me out is that I'm doubting myself now. I hadn't imagined things working out with Ian in quite a few months. The only way to find out if things will get better is to stay. It feels like Keri is telling me to stay with someone who hurts me. It makes me feel trapped, and it makes me feel an intense sense of hopelessness and despair, because I don't feel like it will get better. We've only been in counseling for a few months, and it would be hard to tell anyone that after a few months of counseling, I knew for sure my marriage was over.
There are things that have gotten better, but they are all things within me. I intentionally made things less comfortable for Ian by not doing shopping, not cooking, not cleaning, and calling him out whenever I was upset. I had to make things feel bad around here, otherwise Ian wouldn't see a problem. When I was sweet all the time no matter what, Ian didn't believe me when I said something was wrong.
Being responsible and cooking good food makes me feel better. It's also much healthier. I feel better, self esteem is better, sleep is getting incrementally better, all good things.
Ian is still bullshit. Keri says that because of the way he grew up, in such a superficially pleasant household, Ian has trouble voicing any desires of his own-- including desires involving sex. That he's a in a lot of pain, because he desperately wants to connect with me, but is afraid. She says that my attitude, my thinking that he doesn't want me is pushing him away.
I can't be anything but sarcastic. How fucking rough it must be for him. Goddamn debilitating. His wife would like him to stop being so selfish, and take the time and put in the energy to learn how to fuck her, how to please her. She wants him to enjoy her. She wants him to take delight in the process of making her come.
Except I don't feel like I want it to be him anymore. Even if he did foster an interest in my pleasure, it would feel like he was only doing it to keep me around, imprison me. I wouldn't trust it. He took so long to listen to me. He waited until I was about to walk out the door before he did anything. It feels like he only started going to therapy for the same reason I did-- to make sure that we won't work out, that nothing can be done. If he'd gone when I first asked him to, or back in October, or over a year ago, maybe that would have been different. Right now it feels like too little, too late.
On another note, I'm going to the dance tomorrow. Since Dustin didn't write me back, not going will make it look like I'm cowering. I have to go, and be independent while I'm there. Surround myself with interesting people and look happy. It's mildly possible that Dustin will approach me and say something useful like, "Hey, I'm still a little freaked out about hurting you, so I don't want to do anything rash. For now, I just want to keep hanging out in groups and being your friend."
I'm surprised Kenny hasn't written anything either. He asked me how I was doing last night, I answered, and then he hasn't written a response since.
I'm remembering how I felt when I was 20. That ache. That loneliness. The desire to hold and be held, sharing a moment with someone. Being warm with their arms.
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