Letting go—it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It comes with a lot of different things, mostly acceptance of things that I didn’t want to admit for the past few years and everything that brought me to the point in time. And although I’m happier now than I ever have been, it’s still hard to let go of an 11.5 year relationship. Whether the butterflies are there or not, or the passion, or the laughter, you build a connection with someone that’s hard to let go of. I’ve sacrificed so much of my truest self for the relationship that I now have to let go of. I never got to discover my truest self because of the relationship. Now, I need to make room to accept my current self, my happiest self, my truest self, my me-est me, and a future that entails all of that, by letting go. It’s inevitable. It’s part of stepping into my future. So why is it so hard then?
I talked to my ex today about his new relationship. I pretended to be supported. He was telling me about how she has anxiety, and doesn’t go to therapy. He was telling me about how her dad discussed her budgeting with him. He was telling me about how she’s wishy washy and is okay with him making all of the decisions. He told me about how they cry every time they leave each other because they’re both so emotional and needy.
In my head, I laughed at these things as he was saying them. Part of it comes from resentment—mostly regarding her anxiety. He gave me an ultimatum about my anxiety. He told me to get my anxiety disorder taken care of or he’d divorce me. Well, he divorced me anyways. His girlfriend’s anxiety is around people doing what they say they’ll do. HAHA, good luck girl. You hit the jackpot with this one. I did everything in our relationship for a reason. Oh my my, I could not believe her DAD discussed her budgeting with him because he knows my ex took care of it and not her. She’s getting handed off from Dad 1 to Dad 2. And I totally see red flags, her parents totally see that they hit the sugar daddy jackpot. And the whole crying every time they leave each other? Dude, you’re 29. Grow a pair.
Obviously, this is so hard to let go of. I can fake letting go, but it’s absolutely frustrating how hard it is to let go of this. I don’t want to care. I don’t want to waste my energy or emotions. His happiness is not my responsibility. And while I do think that I know what’s better for him than he knows for himself. But it doesn’t matter. He’s not my partner anymore. His poor decisions do not affect me anymore, and are no longer worth my energy. If he wants to be an idiot, that’s his problem, not mine. Even if he wants to put himself in the same position, with someone who is suffering from anxiety disorder and isn’t getting it controlled, it’s not my problem that he hasn’t learned the first time. Like my therapist, it’s okay to think he’s an idiot, but just keep it to myself. Don’t make something that’s not my problem, my problem. So here I am, letting go of his problems. I am an outsider looking in, and I want to remain an outsider, who doesn’t care enough to waste energy or emotion on having a strong opinion. I have my own life to worry about.
The second part of letting go is a bit more of a harsh realization that I never wanted to admit. I fell out of love with him in 2016. That’s when I felt like he was no longer emotionally fulfilling my needs. That’s when I realized that if I wanted to be happy, I needed to make myself happy—if I wanted anything, that I’d have to take care of it myself. I took our vow seriously. I never even let the thought that I might be unhappy cross my mind. I buried it deep. So yes, while he fell out of love with me over the last year and that’s been hard for me to let go of. It’s even harder for me to let go of the fact that I fell out of love with him 3 years prior. I tried so hard to make the marriage work. I loved him, but I’ve been out of love for so long that I forgot what it should feel like. As soon as he fell out of love, he called it quits. I have a dedication that he doesn’t. As narcissistic as this sounds, I feel like that makes me a better person, a better partner, because I will fight. And I fought. And I lost. Admitting to myself that I fell out of love and I still fought—well, it makes me feel proud of who I am. Let go of the fight, embrace what you learn about yourself.
And the last part of what I need to let go of in this moment, is my hate towards him. Part of me still very much resents and hates him for the pain and heartbreak that he put me through. He put me through emotional hell for 4 months. God, this is another really hard one to let go of. I feel a physical fire in my heart anytime I think about it. My therapist says there’s not easier way he could have done it. Any way, it would’ve hurt. It would’ve broken my heart. It’s inevitable. And I know this is true. So why is it so hard to let go? This one is going to continue to hurt until I’m able to let it go, which feeds into more pent up resentment. It’s like a cycle that never ends. How do I end the cycle? Perhaps radical acceptance will be useful here. I accept that the pain he put me through happened. It’s part of my past. It will always be part of my past. Right now, it’s healing with a few extra layers—a callus, if you will. Eventually, it will become a scar and will always be a scar that I’ll carry. Over time, it’ll fade, but the scar will never leave me. It’s a reminder of my past, my resilience, and the strength I’ve gained to be in place I am.
I’m also letting go of the fact that he was once my person, my bestest friend. We had plans to conquer the world together. We had plans to have all these new experiences together. And now, I’m no longer the person who gets to have new experiences with him. He’s no longer my best friend that I get to spend time with even on my most introverted days. I’m learning to embrace a different type of relationship, one that would make me happier in the long run. I can still have my best friends. One that involves a partner that energizes me, rather than drains me. One that I enjoy spending time with when I feel introverted. One that doesn’t get offended when I need alone time. One that values the same type of new experiences that I value. One that values logic, priorities, being rational, basic needs of life before going up Maslow’s pyramid of hierarchical needs. So while, yes, I don’t get to be part of his life experiences anymore… I get to be part of my own life experiences, ones that will make me happy, feeling fulfilled, feeling respected and valued. I look forward to the new experiences that I get to have without my ex and with someone that fits like puzzle piece.
Tonight sounds like Learning to Let Go by St. Lundi.
It’s alright
Release the pressure
Don’t hold tight
We need to learn to let go
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