Relationship Decisions in All Out of Balance

I’ve been thinking a lot these days about what to do about my relationships.

I’ve been dating Cali since January 2019. We are in an open relationship. I haven’t seriously dated anyone else since last summer, nor him. I told him a year ago I loved him. I’ve said it twice more since then, and stopped because he doesn’t feel the same way for me.

I’ve had an uncomfortable friendship with L since November 2019, because he told me he had feelings for me and I did not return them. Back in January when Cali and I were having trouble, especially romantically; I turned to L. The lack of intamcy in my relationship made me seek it elsewhere. I felt that was unfair to L, so I didn’t say anything at first. The more it built up the more I couldn’t keep quiet. I told him, and he refused me. Fast forward a few months and we were always fighting bc he would be upset with me bc I was dating someone but not dating him especially bc I told him I had feelings.

Then old college flames come back around, he was always such a pretty boy. We’ve been friends for years, dated a few times but it always fizzled. Recently he’s expressed his interest in me. Not gonna lie, to be desired in that way was such a turn on. He’s charming, good values, and a bunch of other positive things, but like I said I’ve been there already. We’ve tried dating and then it fizzles and then takes a few months b4 we’re even friends again.

Cali, L, and Pretty Boy had me wishing I could just combine all 3 men and then I’d be happy. Cali is sweet and kind, but mindless sometimes. He says things like he has no filter when in reality he can just be stubborn bc he doesn’t like to be told what to do. I shouldn’t have to fight with a grown man to brush his teeth in the morning 🤦🏽‍♀️. L and I have always had strong sexual chemistry, we have fun together whether we hang at the beach or lay around and watch anime. But he’s a complete man child and always wants to be selfish with my time, he does things that make me feel restricted and it really makes me resent him. He’ll get upset bc i don’t answer my phone when I’m hanging out with friends. Or he’ll call me and I’ll say I’m busy, and then get upset i didn’t call him later on. Meanwhile I never said I would, and nvr did he say he needed to talk. 90% of the time it’s bc he wanted to chit chat. I hate that. Even though I’ve expressed that to him he always does it again. And then pretty boy, we run or bike together and he’s cool to hang out with. But I keep my distance ever since he showed romantic interest in me again.

L recently took me out and things changed. We kissed. We haven’t kissed since way b4 I even met Cali. The night we had was intense. I wanted more, but I won’t have sex with anyone if they haven’t had a recent STD screening. Problem there is he has a fear of going to the doctor…fml. But i put my foot down, no sex until you test.

I told Cali that L expressed interest in me and I think I’d like to start dating him. Cali was concerned with how this made me feel. He’s never restricted my behavior, or told me what I could or could not do. But that actually made me feel worse, bc the conversation turned into a talk about us and the future. Cali really likes me, enjoys my company, and likes being with me; but doesn’t love me. Meaning what we have right now is all we’ll ever have. Meanwhile L is talking about wanting to date me longterm, move in together if things go well and so on. He’s even talked about how he thinks I’d be a great mom someday.

I definitely want more out of life and I want a family, but i don’t want those things right now. I don’t know when I’ll want those things to be honest. Cali respects me, L makes me feel good, and Pretty Boy with his amazing values would be a great dad; but no one has all that i am looking for that would make me want to settle down at this point.

I thought I wanted these things with Cali one day, but he doesn’t love me. And that fact alone has waned on my feelings for him. Some days I don’t even think I love him anymore, but then on the days he makes me smile or laugh I change my mind.

Lately I think about what to say to Cali to end our relationship. I know I’d like to stay friends, but would need time. I don’t want to be with someone long term that doesn’t love me. But I guess I’ve already done that considering January would make 2 yrs. But it’s crazy bc this is a man who chose to stay in ny instead of go back to Cali for me just after 2 months of dating. When I’m with him I want to be there, but then the break up thoughts come circling back when I’m alone.

Maybe that’s the real answer, I just need to be alone for a while and block everyone else out…