I ran out of money for a few days. I lost track of some of the money I was spending. My new health insurance, fancy kitty litter box, headset, and contributing to groceries made me broke.
Dustin had invited a bunch of friends (women he's slept with) to all go out to a kinky bar. I put $15 worth of gas in my car, and scrounged up my loose change to pull together enough cash for the $10 cover charge and the $6 coat check. Desperately grasping at nickles and pennies, putting them into the Coinstar machine, I realized that this all came pretty suddenly. A couple weeks ago I had an extra $600, and I just blew through all of it. I didn't buy a fur coat or anything, I just wasn't keeping track.
It feels ridiculous, and shameful even, that I don't have some savings built up. Ian reminded me that even just not being in debt is a leg up on a lot of people, but I want to be a grown up. I don't want to feel like an addict. Had to get my fix of Dustin, though.
I did look amazing. Black heels, black fishnet stockings with the lace tops, red straps of my garter belt showing from beneath my black mini skirt, and red lacy bra straps visable underneath my tight red top. I straightened my hair, wore my eye shadow, eyeliner, and mascara.
I did a good job of taking responsibility of my own fun at the club. When I got bored of the conversation, I danced with Julian or by myself. I got up on the go-go dancing platform and danced there for a while. I let Jared L swat at me with rope. I met a cute couple and taught the guy how to spank his new wife, and how to pull her hair. I made kissy faces at Julian, and a random guy mistakenly thought I wanted to kiss him, so he puckered up and got close to me. How embarrassing. That is way worse than thinking someone's waving to you, but really they are saying "hi" to someone behind you. He was really going to kiss me. Closed his eyes and everything. I did make out a little with one cute boy whose name I forget, and a little with Julian. Julian and I also split a rum and coke. Whoop de do.
When I got home I wrote Dustin an email thanking him for the lovely time, and letting him know how I'm doing much better, that the worries I used to have are no longer concerns, and if he wants to make out with clothes on sometime, that that would be fun and welcome. No response from that.
Weeks ago I told Ian that I wanted to have a two hour massage on my birthday, and then go out to dinner with him. Now his work schedule has changed, and he'll be at work all night that night. I agreed that we could go out for dinner that Monday. I can't help but have my feelings hurt a bit, though. I didn't want to extend the effort of having a party, I just wanted a nice evening.
So, I asked Kenny if he would come over that night. He said that he was immediately putting that into his calendar. I wrote, "thank you," and the next thing he said was, "How are you tonight?" There was something so disarming about that question that I just started crying. I didn't tell him that, though. I wrote him about the nice day I had with my dad today.
My dad met me this morning and we drove down to the city and had coffee at my favorite place and then brunch at an amazing restaurant that I've wanted to go for a long time. I had a poached egg over tomato, bacon, and an english muffin with lemon hollandaise sauce, green salad, and orange challah french toast. Then we went back to the coffee place and split another macciato, and wandered around the neighborhood looking in different shops. There was nice sunny weather, and it was a fun time with my dad.
All I can really do right now is be really careful with my money, and really careful with myself. Snuggles would be nice, but they'll have to wait. I can't decide if I should go to the dance on Monday. Part of me wants to save the money, the rest of me knows that I need to be held now more than ever. If I don't go on Monday, the next time I'll be held by somebody might be Saturday at Erica's two year old's birthday party, if I decide to go to that, or my cousin's birthday party if I decide to go to that which is on the same day.
All I know is I want to be held for a while. Just stop the world for a second.
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