Goddamn Cripples! in Whispers For the Masses

I am writing this entry because there is something I wish to change about myself.

I have discovered that I am prejudiced against sick people.

Through the years of my marriage, My Ex's sickness became my prison. It was the reason for everything I did and everything I said. She uses the word "sick", but she was so much more than sick. She was also insane, violent, lazy, and full of self-pity. I will never know how much of her condition was under her own free will and how much was none of her choice - but I was sure that enough of it was physiological that I was willing to give her a free pass on the rest. (Until I cracked and left her, of course)

Yes, since I know the question will arise - we sought all possible help. Thyroid, anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, anti-migraine, and all sorts of other wacky treatments. Doctors refuse to believe that someone's official diagnosis can just be "hot mess", and so she wouldn't buy it either. SURELY there must be something we can fix here, they say. Well, I'm here to tell you that "hot mess" should be in the medical journals. It's a real condition, and we all know someone that suffers from it.

She sought out and had a hysterectomy merely a few months after I left her, and says she's all better now. However, I've seen hints of the violence, insanity, and sickness that have always plagued her still lingering around the edges of her world.

I grew to resent her. I grew to resent every moment she spent on the couch. I grew to hate the television itself. I grew to detest everything the kids and I had to do for her because she was "incapable". She wasn't a cancer patient, but we all treated her like one. We knew that she wasn't well, but we also knew that she took advantage of her sickness to get what she wanted. Such is the cruelest of jokes you can play on another person. We HAD to give her the benefit of the doubt, but somehow I felt like a fool for doing so most of the time.

Not long ago My Twin was ill and I went to take care of her. She was a little needy, but my reaction was extreme. I suddenly felt like a caged animal and I froze. I couldn't speak, and the only thought I could muster was, "I WANT TO GO HOME". She felt that sentiment from me, and it understandably made her sad. In retrospect I was probably a bit of an ass.

In the last month I have been as sick as I have ever been before. I have had a fever for probably 10 of those days, a cloudy mind for 20 or so, and an inability to work properly for most of them. (For the record, My Twin - who is also my business partner - has also been sick this entire time. Getting daily tasks done between the two of us has been quite tough.) I have stubbornly refused help and overexerted myself trying to work - likely prolonging my sickness. Perhaps this is a blast of karma, but it has reminded me of what being ill does to a person's mind, body, and abilities. Sometimes a headache and/or a cloudy mind can reduce someone's productivity to mush. This is something I need to remember when dealing with others. Being sick is not a choice regardless of how well people do or don't handle it. Not everyone is my ex, and I need to give people the benefit of the doubt more often than not. Perhaps this entry will help me remember.