Lost in Who Am I?/Unseen

I have no idea where this entry is going to lead, or how I will categorize it into a book. I losing the will for everything right now. There are still sparks of moments where I am happy, where I can feel joy trying to pierce the dark barrier that is forming again, but they are rare and fleeting.

It feels like I am losing myself again. I remind myself of my passions and dreams, of how I work and of my determination, but it seems like I am holding on to something nonexistent, scrambling around for reason to keep functioning.

I keep realizing again and again how many different aspects of myself there are. So many different personalities knot themselves together in my being and tangle with others. With every changing group of people, I am someone else. I am aware of the changes, so it can not be some sort of personality disorder, can it?

One day, I will be a soft, shy person, with unsure moments and speech. “Cutesy and adorable” as quite a few put it. Scared of swearing and way to upset if I do, small, high voice and warped words.

In another few moments, I will be fluid and free. Swearing more, though I still feel terrible about it. A more masculine form, if I think about it. Maybe all the personality stuff is just the effect of my gender issues. I am so lost in who I am, though. Different with every person. Who am I when I am not trying to meet someone else’s idea of me?

If only one of these forms came without the anxiety. The anxiety is everywhere, however. I am scared of how my words will be perceived, how my movements are interpreted, how my mere existence is impacting others. It stresses me out, and I am sure it stresses the people around me.

I talk too quietly, so Dad always tells me to speak up, but it feels like I am too loud when I am speaking enough for him to hear. My body is at a weird point in relation to others. To short for the tall people around me, and too tall for those shorter than me. Hugs are complicated. I either get a chin in my shoulder or I accidentally hit the underside of someone’s chin. It is terrifying to hug someone, but I cannot exactly just say no. Plus, I like the affection of hugs. There is so much more that comes with the anxiety that I just cannot put into words that do the situation justice. I overthink everything and all the terrible scenarios.

Then there is the dysphoria with my body, and now my mind. My body is too feminine to be masculine, but to masculine to be feminine. I have to classic broad shoulders of a swimmer, a square facial structure like Papa’s, and a kind of hairy body (despite my shaving every part of accessible skin due to swim). Then, I have in-between hair that could work for both a woman with short hair or a man with quite long, shaggy hair. I have too big a chest for a man, that I do not want in either feminine or masculine form, chubby thighs (that consist of mostly muscle), halfway toned arms, and semi-toned abs. I am everything in the middle. Medium. Not pretty/handsome, but not off putting either.

Then my mind is a complete mess, and this portion does not include the rest of the disastrous forest of my brain. This is only the dysphoria portion. When I am feeling particularly masculine, my brain still feels as though it functions in a feminine mind set. Maybe I was meant to be a bisexual male that was primarily gay. (Though that statement may sound offensive, I really do not mean it to be. I tried having this conversation a couple of times with others, and that was how it was explained to me by a friend who happens to be gay.) When I feel feminine, I guess I do not really feel all that bad. Just the normal issues of everyone with not having the “perfect body”.

These previous bits have only been the lost struggle with my gender. That is only fraction of it. I mostly just want to feel comfortable being myself around a group of people. How can I do that, though, when I really do not know what ‘being myself’ is? I like to say that I am fine at swim because they really are my family, but even then I have anxiety about everything. It is not as intense, maybe, but still enough to cause distress.

I really need a hug. From someone special, only I do not know who. But a really good hug. Where it is tentative at first, unsure. I am held as fragile, like I might break at any given moment. Then fierce and steadying. I cannot breathe because I am being held so tight, but that does not matter because I am being held together. I want to be able to quite literally break down and fall apart in someone’s arms. That way when I fall apart, I am grounded. I will not just keep breaking.

I do not know where to go from this. I hardly know or understand what I have written at all. I am exhausted and not particularly keen on life at the moment. I think I will just end it. I do not know what book this entry is going in, but I will see soon enough.

Positives:
I went to the beach yesterday with a couple of friends. It was for my younger brother’s birthday. I ended up having more people going because their parents could not give them a ride, so I felt bad because my parent where a little irritated. I had fun, though.

I also got my acoustic guitar traded in for one that is not broken. It sounds beautiful.