What the heck!! Soon I will be 61... sixty-freakin-one.
Seems like just 15 minutes ago I was 10 years old. And then after that, I was mildly old at 40. And I remember feeling, “Where has my life gone?” at age 29. What a struggle THAT was.
And now, at 61, there is cold white fear. Like, what the heck? I could die any minute. I feel like I’m trying to climb up the side all oily and slick playground slide, my nails scraping against nothing... against hope... trying not to slip off into the oblivion of death.
In so many senses I’m not afraid of dying but still I find myself almost in a state of panic when I focus on the reality of my own very real mortality... a mortality that becomes more real, more palpable with each year, each day, each minute.
One of our clients has a son who died in his sleep a month ago. He was 50 years old and healthy, now gone.
I find myself constantly wondering... When? How? Will it be today, Lord? Tomorrow? Will I live to see next Christmas? Please don’t let me live as long as my mother.
The reality of death looms larger and larger.
A little ditty I wrote not so long ago:
Sung to the tune of Annie's "Maybe"
Maybe far away or maybe real near by one thing's for sure in this world I know that someday I will die Maybe from a car that's skidding down a hill Maybe a negligent nurse will give me the wrong kind of pill
Maybe a fall. Maybe a plane.I only hope there won't be very much pain Hope it's not drowning or death by a fire I'd really prefer something less dire
So maybe when it's time I just won't have to wake and they'll be there calling the doctor Maybe...
Hope it's not cancer my heart or a stroke Hope it's not terroists and hope I don't choke Hope it's not murder but why should it be? I've got a good husband who puts up with me.
So maybe when my prayer's the last one of its kind I'll say, "God, please come now get your baby," Maybe
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