Heartbreak contained in Random Thoughts

Five years ago i was on the island of Santorini, Greece. Some years before that, it was Oaxaca. I loved both. Today i have a beautiful, happy baby one week away from being 4 months old.

I just don’t want to talk about this with anyone. I haven’t told my sister, my friends. I am containing heartbreak. It leaks out my eyes at random times throughout the day. I recall various parts of the conversation, find those times when i want to send a recipe or a thought to him. But i contain them. I know i could share these thoughts and continue conversing, but i just..... can’t.

I don’t know. Maybe i should not be surprised. Perhaps he was waiting for the right time to tell me. After the baby was born, after i moved back into my house. Or once i asked for something we once had (once a week date night).

i could feel it in the way he had been texting me. what he said. what he didn’t say. the frequency of his communications. i would end the evening with sweet dreams my love, like i had been for years. i would sometimes not even get a good night message

The baby needed more sleep than i this morning. This is the first time i’ve ever been up before her. I’ve never had a quiet morning like this since she was born. So, i may have to get up immediately and not get back to this entry for who knows how long.

My feelings for Jamie have not changed with the birth of my little sweet girl. He says he “does not feel romantic” anymore.

What does that mean for me, the (former) girlfriend of 4 years in a polyamorous relationship with a married man? What does that mean for me, who had been swept in and made part of the family, joining for holidays held with his wife’s family for the past 4 years? Summer and spring break weekends away to the eastern Oregon desert or the coast. Fancy dinner date nights.

It doesn’t feel like just a break up. It feels like a loss of family. And when he told me, he didn’t have anything to say about that. It sounded like me We can hang out once a week for the summer but i can’t guarantee what it will look like in the fall when school starts up again

I don’t think he thought about things from my perspective. Or, he didn’t think through the conversation enough to consider that there are questions that should be addressed. Am i losing family? What does it mean to change this relationship. I could have entered into a conversation with him, talking about a change. But it just felt like, ‘yeah, i don’t feel romantic any more’. That’s it.

Why haven’t i told anyone? I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe i feel shame. Maybe i don’t want to feel such grief while being the sole caregiver for my little love.

Maybe i just don’t want to face it out in public yet. I feel like if i tell, i’ll just fall apart, and no one can take me in their arms at a moment if i ask them to just come to me for comfort.

(i lie when i said i haven’t told anyone. i told adam. i tell him all my heart’s intimacies. he does not ask questions or require that i expound on anything i share. he just puts his arms around me and lets me cry)

I also know it takes me a long time to process the big events and emotions. My car accident. The house break in. The house fire.

That’s all i can share.

Last updated June 21, 2020