Music always hits me with the feels. Tonight, it’s Wrong Direction by Hailey Steinfeld. I’ve never heard it before, but from the first few verses, I felt it.
I don’t hate you
No, I couldn’t if I wanted to
I just hate all the hurt that you put me through
And that I blame myself for letting you
Had I heard this song months ago or even weeks ago, I would have been enraged with anger. Now when I hear it, it doesn’t make me angry. It reminds me of the sadness I felt at the time, and remembering the sadness makes me a bit sad. But I see the progress that I have made in even the past couple of weeks. I don’t feel as angry anymore.
My therapist says that anger is a secondary emotion to sadness. When we’re feeling angry, we’re really feeling a deeper sense of sadness that’s below the surface. And I’m not sad anymore that we broke up. I actually feel alive and free and happy. I see the person who he is without me, and I’m not attracted to it in any way. That helps the sadness. The other thing that helps is that I’m going in one direction—working on my mental health, healing from the relationship, my physical health and getting really fit, all while he’s going in the opposite direction. He’s getting really big, eating unhealthily, jumping into a rebound relationship with a college kid because he doesn’t want to feel pain. It’s not my problem and it’s none of my business anymore. But I guess part of the lack of anger and sadness is that, I realized how much influence I had on him. I see it before my very eyes. And even if he never appreciated me and he took my caring nature as controlling, the proof is there. I had a bigger positive influence in his life than he recognizes. I don’t care about the recognition. I care about the data and facts; and it’s all there.
And I’m so glad that I don’t have to act like his mother anymore. Praise the lawd.
So when I hear this song, there’s almost a feeling of happiness. The pain he put me through helped me grow—as a person, as a woman, and away from him. As much as it hurt and I hated it, I needed it that pain to learn some good life lessons. Most importantly, I needed it into order to learn how to put myself first.
In the words of Selena Gomez, “I needed to lose you to love me.” I listened to this song throughout the break and felt it, but kept thinking of it as the temporary loss of him. Oh, no. That was nothing. I actually needed the permanent loss of him to love me, to put myself first. And that’s a hard lesson to learn, but I love it.
Life is all about the silver linings. When it rains, it pours. But there’s always sun after the rain.
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