The Best Thing in Painted in Watercolor

Stepped into old skin..
Still lingering in its atmosphere of doubt and low self esteem. Walked a day in the sun with shoulders square, but shortly after, ended here.
All these days of shifting certainties cloud me. He’d wake once with eyes brown and I’d know it was coming. With each truly cold breeze he’d lift away following some lucid dream, and I’d climb back under the sheets to dream of him coming back for me..dreaming things far from where his heart would put me.
And sometimes I’d spiral into these realities where only my heart would feel his existence, but my mind said he was a figment of make-believing…I’d wake with a sweat and my soul pounding on his door..Those days he would never wake.
So why now, do I feel this loss of self?
All of sudden, like I have a reason to question my worth in someone else’s eyes, when I’ve only been shown things that are beautiful in me, through him.
Fear is my weakness..something I told myself I had kicked. There is nothing I need more than myself, so why do I feel this again? I always worry I’ll lose my strength…make a mockery of this whole struggle I’ve gone through this past year.

The sun is out today.
The thought of warmth just reminds me.
Some reminders stronger than others.
And there’s the side of that mountain. And there’s the feeling of my heart flying. The endless drop below and green trees…
Eyes that wake and mimic their coloring.

Every day I find myself saying things I never would have then. Those blues make Me so sure of myself..yet so naive in a way I find to be a thrilling challenge.
Him and his curly long hair when he’s still dressed for work..I feel so young and lost looking at him..For a moment. As he chops things so neatly and pours filtered water from a glass…In his little, clean home, that smells like my grandparent’s house did, in the way that makes me feel small and careless again.
And for a moment I’ll feel free. Watch him stare out the window over the sink. My car parked just beyond his house, reflecting the sun. I’ll wonder what he’s thinking, but it does not concern me. His quietness never stirs worry within me.
I’d tiptoe over to kiss him on cheek..Watch the signs of age caress his eyes as he smiles.
In moments like those..he feels like the best thing for me.

My mind and soul and everything in between all feel all over the place. But still in an odd state of harmony.

Last updated November 05, 2017