Polar in Mental Masturbation in Montréal: Confessions from the Boulevard

March 26 2014 20:37

Woke up this morning and everything is black. I feel helpless and powerless and like my life has no meaning or purpose. The whole big-random-universe-mystery of it all is crushing me as opposed to inspiring awe and wonder. I've pulled out all my cheerleading material - 12 step stuff, Melody Beattie, all my little wise quotes and sayings - I even did a page of exercises from the "Mind Over Mood" self-help book but I gave up half-way through because it wasn't helping - it was making me feel worse. Plus, this - I've said it before - I KNOW how repetitive this is. I am HYPER-AWARE of it and now, I feel even shitty-er because I should just shut up and keep it to myself because endlessly repeating it does what, exactly? Fuck all. I don't think I'm capable of getting better or feeling saner or whatever this fucking elusive THING is. I feel completely hobbled by this - and now, literally too - with my wrecked back, knee and belly. I'm terrified about what might happen - either surgery or the other alternative of just living with chronic pain. I can't handle it. I can't cope anymore. I'm barely functioning. I feel like moving to Montreal was a mistake - I feel like the stress and isolation has contributed to my crazy-ness. Six months later and I'm wondering if it was merely a "geographical cure" - and we all know how well those turn out. I'm running out of ideas - and really feel like I can't wait any longer to start feeling better - because, the more time that goes by, the further away it feels. There IS no feeling better - it's just this shit or a variation of this shit, ad infinitum. Now! With more panic and anxiety over said lack of progress. Fun! I'm sick of this - sick of feeling like this and being unable to affect any significant lasting change. I want to give up. This is a fact I live with. Is it skewed and inaccurate? Very likely. But it's also my version of reality - I CAN'T relax. I CAN'T just roll with it. I CAN'T do what needs doing to produce satisfaction or results or even begin to imagine success in terms of school or a job or career or even volunteering. I CAN'T get better. I have done everything but stand on my fucking HEAD - and I still feel this way about 80% of the time. I hate my life. I can't feel joy or peace or contentment or love. All I can feel is pain and confusion and fear and disappointment and shame. I want to give up. It doesn't get any better - it just gets more and more difficult and overwhelming and I have fewer and fewer resources to manage it.

March 28 2014 17:46

Positive Thing # 1 Out of curiosity, I just searched the real estate listings for Hicksville and there were only two pages of (fairly-shitty) houses in the $-bracket we listed in. Meaning: I am EXTREMELY GLAD we sold the house. That was NOT a bad decision! Like Brad said: "Susan! It's out of your life forever!"

March 30 2014 12:27

Most of my anger, guilt, fear, anxiety, low self-esteem, disaster-thinking, stuck-in-the-past, negativity, over-thinking, clenched-up-tight, can't relax, panic, worry, fear-of-the-future, regret, resistance, rigidity, black and white thinking, harsh/critical/judgemental _______ is self-imposed.

Therefore, it stands to reason that I am the one that holds the key, that has the power, that grants permission, that allows more freedom, that produces the peace, that doesn't owe anyone an explanation, that doesn't have to answer to anyone, that can relax and un-clench and be present and consciously decide how to think/feel/speak/act, that can can heal, that can let things go, that can forgive myself and others for my own benefit, that knows my own limitations, that knows growth and change comes in spirals and layers, that can trust myself and life, that already possesses the strength and wisdom, that has the confidence, that is capable of great change, that knows the door is open and knows I can step through to the other side.

April 01 2014 11:22

Oh, fuck this.