Waiting for my life to begin in The Wanderer

The one thing about constantly changing your life is the time period between ending an old life and the beginning of a new life. It takes a lot out of your Self to start fresh constantly, but like dead skin I believe in regrowth. Let the old fall away and let the new form. Unfortunately, it's the beginning and getting adjusted seems to put One into a state of uncertainty.

I am having a hard time because my parents (particularly sperm donor) likes to make sure I feel unwelcomed. Already he has cussed me out beyond belief and told me to pack my shit up, I'm unloved here, not wanted, a piece of shit, etc. And I have to constantly have my defensive guard up, trying to make myself feel okay, continue to move forward in a place I feel uncomfortable and all for the sake of saving up money so I can one day feel comfortable. You know, im also going through a divorce here, and even though its the easiest divorce ever, its still hard on me. I still love Dave. I'm only back here for one reason, to save up money, and my mother (the weak ass who can't stand up against sperm donor) is the person making it possible to save money. So I'm putting up with it.

I'm not happy. Obviously. I'm sad and hurt. But I have to put on the I Don't Give A Fuck Face. I had a great few days with my grandma until my dad ruined that by installing into her brain what a "fucked up person" I am. She sent me an email saying its in her best interest to unfriend my dad and I on FB. And she hadn't talked to me since.

I hung out with Faye and Laurie today because they are sane and understand everything without me even having to say a word because they've seen it all first hand and have had my parents also treat them like shit.

Things with R and I have been tough because this is a huge stress on me that obviously affects my mood which then affects how I treat him. I want to just be alone when I'm miserable, but I can't.

I try to get out of the apartment when I can, like tonight, and ill have a good time and then I come "home" to find my baby jasper locked inside the bathroom with no water and the light off. That's animal abuse! I hate them. I got a lock with a key for my bedroom door and ill keep jasper in here from now on. At least he has his wee wee pads, a comfy bed, his toys, food, and water, and a light! And he won't have to be around those mindless jerks.