Unseen... in Who Am I?/Unseen

To the one that helped hold the darkness at bay:

“There is an unbelievable amount of things I wish to tell you. In person, which is preferred, we both know will never happen. [The fact that I am writing here shows I will never tell you in writing, either.] I will most likely forget so many important things, but I will begin anyways.

I miss you. Rather, I miss who I though you were (whom you still might be) and all the great things you brought into my life.

I miss the expertise of your fingers flying across your guitars, and the passion you put into playing. Thinking of this brings back memories of sitting next you as you played at the Halloween banquet for swim. I remember phone calls at night where you manged to make me sleepy, despite my wretched insomnia, while you sang. We both know you may not have the most angelic voice, but to me, it was the most beautiful and soothing I had heard.

I miss how your eyes truly light up when something you cared for became the topic of conversation. Your entire face, really, comes alive with expression. I was mesmerized. I wanted that much enthusiasm for life’s greatness. Those eyes, though, were a thing of perfection. I have a thing for eyes. Yours are this interesting mixture of browns. Sometimes, they are rather light, like caramel or cream. Others, they are deep oceans of dark chocolate. I could get lost in those eyes of yours.

I miss how you would smile at me. Standing in just the right spot, your head would block the sun and be surrounded in a halo of bright light, like some sort of angel (and I do not believe in angels). Your lips would part as you put all energy into that heavenly smile. It was often accompanied by a nice laugh. Deep and smooth, but not, at the same time. Just perfect enough to make my insides melt and my limbs go weak.

I miss your strength when we hugged. It probably helped that you were taller than me by quite a lot. (I have been ‘the tall kid’ for a while, though that is changing as everyone is getting their growth spurts.) Your arms would wrap around my waist and hold tight as I wrapped mine around your neck. It felt safe there, somehow. Even in brief moments of passing, it was some sort of sanctuary.

I miss how we connected. You came into my life and replaced all the bad. I have said it before, and I will again. My world started lighting up because of you. Suddenly, I wanted to share everything with you, and I wanted to listen to everything you had to share. It became routine to talk to you every night, whether it be text messages, calls, or at practice. I had forgotten how it felt to be happy like this. To become a part of really living.

Most of all, I miss the plans. To take you to see the stars in the desert, when all of the city lights and pollution is not distinguishing their glorious light. For a random road trip, where we get on the highway and just keep driving, going until we feel like coming home. To take you to see a sunset as beautiful as I have seen them, so I could see your face witness beauty in its finest form.

I find I am not enjoying sunsets as much as I used to. I hate that. I enjoyed the sky way before you came along, but when you left, you took my passions with you. I am loosing a lot of motivation for everything. I find random bouts of it every now and again, but they do not tend to last very long. There are so many things that I want to do, but do not really feel like doing anymore.

How is it that you took that away. They were not interests built upon your being that would have been tainted by your leaving. However, here I am. More lost and confused than I was before you got to me.

All I want to know is why you drifted away. I am not asking for pity comfort, or for you to try to come back. I cannot force what is not going to happen. I doubt that would be healthy (though I do not see how this could be, either). I just want a reason. Maybe if I knew why people keep leaving my life, I could improve myself and not get hurt so much. Is it okay of me to ask this? Would you give an honest answer?

More so, than all of this, I wish I had the confidence to actually send you this message. To let you know just how wrecked I am. You never even knew of my complicated feelings (at least I doubt so). I did not love you, other than as a great friend, but I so could have, given the chance.”

I am disappointed that I am so hurt over being ‘abandoned,’ as my friend has said, since I think I have done the same thing. No. Not think. I have. And I have not realized that I have. There was no reason, no intention of pain, it just happened. And here I sit, depressed over the same thing happening to me again. Does this make me even more terrible than I am? I already know I am not too good a person, at least by my standards, but I did not know I could get worse.

I tried to work on my tree again today. The mural that I have lost most motivation to complete. I textured the back leaves and intend to texture the top layer soon.

I have band camp tomorrow through either Monday or Wednesday (I cannot remember.) I am excited. There are having a virtual camp for us, because of COVID-19 and everything, but will hopefully have the normal one sometime in July.

Though I feel band was a selfish decision, I am excited for it. I think I am drawn to the possibility of that feeling of belonging. They could become another family like swim. I could have somewhere to belong in a school setting. I just hope I am not overwhelmed with the stress of all that I have set myself up for.