I placed the Barrel between my eyes, but would I be able to squeeze the trigger? in Basket Files

A thick darkness has locked me into an unimaginable all time low these past couple of weeks. A low that I have experienced often as a teen, however never as intense. In the past week I have found myself writing a suicide letter and actually placing a gun to head, then between my eyes and into my mouth. I never placed my finger on the trigger though because I know I would never would have squeezed it. (or so I say)

I just wanted to see what it looked like, and see it it was as intense as they protruded it in movies and on T.V. To me it looked rather silly because the gun almost look nothing more than a toy. But I know the P22 I held in my hand and pointing to my right temple was no were near a toy. The bullets are small but I'm pretty sure it would kill me in one blow. However I still wonder if I would need a 2nd hit in order to finish, and if so would I be able to or would my body just give into the first round, leaving me unable to fire again. Hmmmm U_U

I know from the outside looking in I should have admitted myself into a hospital a long time ago, but I know myself too well. I know that this is nothing more than a phase that my mind likes to drag its way through due to the build up of emotions, loneliness, and my lovely friend Mr. Bipolar, which i have yet to find a real form of release. With no one to talk to about any of it or anything really , my mind as always just bubbles over and spills onto the floor, which results in such a dark disturbing low.

I feel much better now but its still lingering, I know I need to head in to see my therapist but seems kind of pointless, because I know I will leave his office with very little advice. From which I would later find myself walking in circles around my house trying to comfort myself by talking to myself , and trying to sort out everything that is rotting me from the inside out.