I Don't Even Know in Life

What to write today! Hopefully nothing so dramatic as I feel like that’s all I’ve been writing about for the past little while.

I’ve been having very vivid dreams again lately (I wasn’t for a while there) it’s nice to have them back. But this morning I had the bizzare experience of waking up and feeling like I didn’t wake up in my own body or my own life or something. It was an odd feeling of knowing where I was but feeling like it wasn’t ‘mine’ if that makes any sense.

I’m usually having about 2 dreams a night now so I expect that it’ll only be picking up from there. I’d really like to write about them but by the time I get to a computer I’ve already forgotten most of the details and there’s obvious problems with waking up and going to my phone right away at 2 or 3 am to write a blurry eyed detail of my dream.

I think I’ve got a hook for the MC DnD but I need to make sure that my focus is on the OG DnD and that story coming together. I’m not sure that the MC DnD will ever take off really because I set the rule that I can’t do it before 7pm my time and most of the players are in the UK making it 11pm start their time, and one guy is GMT+2 meaning it’d start at 1am their time so it’s like… Am I really the best option to be doing this? We’ll see!

I’m trying to set a day for Character Creation right now and getting 0 response so I’m not going to really drive that home until people start to reply. Only invest in something as much as others are willing to invest!

I went out and bought some CBD Oil the other day, it’s a 20mg/1ml dose so I started trying the .5ml dose and that helped a little but I could still feel the edge of waryness on the horizon so the next day I was like “Fuck it” and did the full 1ml dose since I had gotten groceries and other anxiety peaking stuff that day and I took it around 9am, by 930ish Pam and I were talking about how she wasn’t having a good day and I tried to point out all the little things that we miss that are great (One person’s chore is another person’s dream - IE Mowing your lawn when there are people out there that wish they had a lawn to mow) so that seemed to help her out a bit since she kept working the rest of the day but noon came around and I hit a wall. Immediately super tired and really struggling to want to do anything but knowing that I had stuff I needed to do?

In the end Elly refused to nap in the afternoon (Which is always super frustrating to me) and Pam took the day off at 3pm (1hr early) and helped me get a break from Elly. I’m feeling pretty relaxed and in a good place today so I don’t think I’ll take any oil but also I think I’m going to increasingly limit my phone usage. It’s getting to that point again where all you see is the world on fire and the people in charge are only pouring more gasoline on it. Like the headline I saw about Trump wanting to make it impossible for LBGT to adopt… like why? Do not enough people hate you or are you just doubling down on the zealot vote? At this point I’m just waiting for him to pull the plug on the internet for USA a la China or just start mowing down civilians… a la China.

I keep telling myself that his reign of terror will end soon enough but with the trends we’re seeing it’s like when Howard Stern was first getting big and people were listening just to see/hear what he’d say next. I just have no clue what he’s going to do next and each time is more absurd than the last. Ooof.