Keri wants to see Ian and I for individual sessions. She wants to go deeper into Ian's anxiety about sexuality, and into how I feel when I don't get the attention I want.
I told them about the couch metaphor, and Ian paraphrased, "I'm a couch in a room than no one sits in."
Keri seemed concerned that I have my self-worth tied to how I am treated sexually. I think she misunderstood me. Ian thinks of me as a couch. I know I'm a strong woman.
I think I know that. I'm getting closer to knowing that, anyway. I like my pole dancing class. I'm reading a new book. I've been masturbating more, and I'm reading craigslist ads for new jobs. I do like it that I've been writing more, and belly dancing with Erica and Kelly more.
Lately I have been hornier. Right now Kenny is my sole partner, and the last time he and I fucked was the 19th. A week and a half is not acceptable to me. It has nothing to do with my worth as a human being, I just need to be fucked. I need cock rammed into me, consistently. I want it down my throat. I want it in my cunt, I want it up my ass.
It isn't that I'm built for sex, not exclusively. I'm just good at it, and I love it. It's a favorite past time of mine. It's a social activity. It's practically a sport.
In May I want to go visit Grace in Portland.
Oh, and I got tested on the 14th, got the results back the other day. I'm clean. The pap showed some bacteria, though. The doctor wasn't worried, because I'm not showing any symptoms. I'm not exactly at ease, though. I'd rather she say I was totally in the clear.
Pap smears are weird. This doctor was way better than the first one. The other one hurt. I'm glad that it doesn't have to hurt.
I'm kind of broke right now, but there are a lot of things I want to buy.
These are out of stock, but I want the plaid ones: http://ellieshoes.com/showcase/ProductDetail.asp?PROD_CD=PH609-BRIDGET
These are in stock: http://www.amazon.com/Pleaser-Womens-Delight-686-Platform-Pump/dp/B003YCHR8O
These come in wide: http://all4me.com.au/cartpage/viewproduct/2140/CONTESSA-50X-
If I had the big bucks I could get so much beautiful stuff. You know, Trashy.com... http://trashy.com/Carousel-Lace-Up-Corset.13222-product.htm http://trashy.com/Carousel-Short-Sleeve-Top.13227-product.htm
So beautifully expensive. Obviously, if I had that kind of money, I should be spending it on world peace or something. I'd save up for a Sybian, but I should probably get a new car first.
I met a man today who has stage one colon cancer. He's moving to Philadelphia to live near his sister and to have surgery. He came in very upset, very stressed. I guess he was yelling at the other sales associates. He was a kitten with me. A bit gruff at first, but once he saw I was a friendly professional, he smoothed out. The guy was understandably having a hard time. He left feeling much better, and he's going to check out getting further care in Philadelphia. I like it when people trust me, and are nicer to me than other people.
Not everyone is nice. Some people are just rich assholes. But most people are nice. There was a 96 year old woman in today, who had a massage with Kate. Kate has a twin sister, and the older woman had lost her twin sister. She is lonely, and left very happy. Kate is a sweet soul.
Things are slightly better with Ian. He was attempting to spank me the other day. He was using too much of his fingers, and not enough palm. I was also trying to teach him how to pet my thighs. I showed him how to stroke slowly up from the knee, travel a few inches up, and with energy through the fingertips flip the hand, and stroke back down to the knee using the backs of the fingers. He got frustrated because I was gently correcting him. I was being incredibly patient. He kept doing it wrong, and saying that he was afraid of tickling me. It's annoying, because I was currently both showing and telling him how to do it properly.
Keri says I am remarkably specific. Maybe I am. I know what I like. There are techniques. There are skills. I have preferences and opinions. I have criteria. If Ian wants to be a good lover than he needs to pay attention. Take some fucking notes. He's neglected his studies for 7 years, so he has some catching up to do.
The annoying thing is that with other people, this process isn't so difficult. I show them how to avoid tickling me, and they can often take it from there. I usually just adjust the pressure, in a sexy way. I'm a professional. I've fucked almost as many people as I am old.
What I meant to say, is that now he is at least trying, sometimes. I suppose that is a start. I also asked him to help make dinner one night this week. I have gotten back to my rhythm of making a list for three meals for the week, and generating enough food so that we have low-cost, home-cooked lunches and dinners, with extras like pre-cut vegetables for salads and pre-grated cheese for nachos. With the rhythm like that, the leftovers from one week last just enough through the next week that there is a decent amount of variety and nutrition, even though I work full time. I'm a goddamned genius.
Now, Ian can actually cook. He can do a good one-shot meal now and then, which is more than a lot of husbands. I realize that. Granted, I usually have to help him think up side dishes, start whatever the starch is, and then re-think and re-purpose the whole thing if it goes South, but he can genuinely cook. This week, I asked him to make his Thai curry soup. He said he would "make something."
Now, I get it. He wants to feel creative and un-tethered. But, since this house is always cold, I really want a soup to get made this week because it's easy to make a large volume, and easy to portion out and reheat. I told him that if he doesn't make the Thai curry, than I'll make another soup. He said I should go ahead and make my own soup if I have one in mind.
I realize that this all sounds very trivial. It's just tricky to have the kind of variety in meals throughout the week without a decent amount of planning. I don't have time to just go shopping on any given day and then make dinner that night. I have to do it in stages. I'm trying to delegate, I'm trying to make this more fair, and I know that Ian stresses out when he isn't given any direction and has to go pick something on his own. Also, he'll tend to do something like make all fried foods-- something labor-intensive, unhealthy, and doesn't make good leftovers.
Anyway, this week we have:
Nachos, with taco-seasoned flank steak and onions, smoked local cheddar, guacamole, and the lightest, thinnest, and tastiest tortilla chips ever
Broccoli, Potato and Ham soup (so good, a recipe I altered from online. There's cream, garlic, onions, celery and a roux, but I've analyzed the nutrition values down to the vitamins and calories and it's actually quite healthy)
Apricot Chicken Thighs (an "easy" recipe that I de-constructed and made better by using real ingredients) with rice
Spinach, beet and carrot salad
Then there's the usual grapes, apples, bananas, and bagels
As well as nice treats, like mirco-brewed rootbeer and local organic mint chocolate chip ice cream.
So yes, I am specific. Yes, I am sensitive. I might even be demanding. But I'm also very giving. I'm very smart. I'm very compassionate, and I'm fucking gorgeous. So there.
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