Back from the therapist, I feel for the first time I could be myself, really myself in there. No suppressed tears, no ingratiation, no really long thinking pauses before I say what I think I should. Nothing to do with her, she is amazing and very good at what she does, but I finally said no. NO. DO NOT WANT.
Do not want to feel five years old again, trace back all the hurt and pain and feel trapped there.
Do not want to be reasonable and good, always thinking what others want and what is fair.
Do not want to soften the blows or try not to curse and be polite.
I want to destroy shit and laugh doing it. I want to smash plates, expectations and assumptions, jump off burning bridges and dive into broken promises. I want to do everything I’m not supposed to, feel myself and do what I want, not what I think would be right or proper or productive. I want to burn this place to the ground and dance around in the flames. I want to live, god fucking damn it! And I want to be not afraid doing it.
Too much has kept me. I want to be. Now.
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