Distilled Enjoyment in Life

I don’t… what does that even mean?!

Well lucky for you I’m here to tell you. Or at least here to tell you what I think it means… or what it means to me…

ANYway…

One thing I’ve been thinking about after that depressive spike and all the past couple entries is that during the first couple weeks of May I wasn’t enjoying anything. Not a damn thing. It was chores chores chores. And maybe video games if the Wee One wanted to nap. Which was hit or miss because this little monster likes to channel everything that I’m feeling.

So I’ve been trying to go back to things that I remember enjoying way back when I was my happiest self. Video games is the first and most obvious thing that comes to mind but do I really enjoy them or was it just an escape? I used to really enjoy JRPG’s but then I started to lean into more action/survival games as games like Minecraft and Terraria came out. Most recently I’ve been dumping a lot of time into ARK and while I was enjoying it, I’m not really sure if I was having FUN. There was a lot of what I was doing was simply killing time before the next chore or sleep. It was a lot of “I’m doing this because if I’m not doing this I’m just frustrating myself”

Which segways beautifully into my next topic… Well it would have if I hadn’t put this line in there.

Creatively I’ve always struggled. I put a lot of that on Ritalin and how that basically killed any sort of self growth or identity. It made me straight up robotic and I credit a lot of my dysfunctions to the growth I missed out on during the time I was on it.

But.

Blaming something doesn’t solve the problem. So what’s the problem? Everyone struggles creatively. Yes. True. But my struggle wasn’t… a struggle. It was an impossibility. Like trying to read japanese having watched Anime once when you were younger.

Whenever I try to express myself creatively it’s just a straight up blockade of self doubt and… well self doubt. That’s the biggest thing. And there’s so much and so often that I pursue something creatively… Oh man I don’t think I edited the last entry either. GAWD so many red lines!

But so often when I’m exploring something creative I go “OH! I Don’t have this tool, that’s why I can’t do it!” and then I get that tool and I still can’t do it like “Damnit I should be instantly good at this now that I have X Pen” I understand(ish) now that there’s a problem within me, and after this long it’s clear that it’s going to take some trial and error to get to a solution.

It’s clear that this is leading to therapy and possibly eventually some sort of prescription based drug again (wee…) but first! I’m going to try CBD. It’s legal, why the hell not. I’m not expecting this to be the epiphany but at this point I gotta make sure I’m using the tools I have access to.

Also, on the topic of therapy. Pam has started down the path to get help in dealing with her chaos which is great, and already has improved the household significantly as she’s started to communicate more and be less of a bitch. I’m sorry, I know it’s my wife but some of her remarks could be called nothing less. Lets just call a spade a spade and move on because it’s better now.

Another thing I used to enjoy and has been the cornerstone of my new developments is skating and exploring. I used to REALLY love inline skating when I was younger and getting out and being physically active again has been awesome! That is all. No deep thoughts there, just… bein’ active.

So now what?