Patterns of Abuse in Everyday life

And here I sit… six months later. We have fought almost the same day every single month since I last wrote here - Nov 21, Dec 22, Jan 20, Feb 23, Mar 20, Apr 22… every fight seems to get more toxic. He has punched the wall, he has called me a mean nasty bitch, he has driven erratically with the kids and myself in the car and when I say something he gets mad and accuses me of being in the wrong, he drinks waaayyyyy too much and hides it, and every single time we fight, he tells me to get the fuck out of his house. This last fight, he started right in front of my daughter. I call him out in his craziness and fight back which makes everything worse. I’d be better to leave my mouth shut. The hardest part is, I don’t really know how to handle it when he comes back and says “Please don’t leave me! Please don’t leave me. I’ll do anything to change. I love you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Last night, I mentioned how bad it hurt that he called me a mean nasty bitch and of course he denied it and tried to make me feel crazy for making up such a thing. I’m stuck. So incredibly stuck. I’m sad all the time anymore. I truly don’t know how to leave. I make 40K/yr with child support and even still, I can’t qualify to rent a three bedroom apartment. The cheapest three bedroom I can find in the area is $1600/mo. Ugh. He brings all of the people we know into the middle of our problems including his adult daughter that now hates me. I’m ashamed to tell any of my friends. They’ll think I’m the most stupid woman on the planet for putting up with this kind of abuse again. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone I know… it makes it so hard to go to work (where I am somewhat of a rockstar which makes it even harder because they’d never believe I’d tolerate this shit behind closed doors) or around my mom. I just find it easier to isolate myself. My heart hurts. My body hurts. My brain hurts. I’m feeling lost… so incredibly lost.

Last updated May 12, 2020