Existential Crisis Ahead! in Musings and Daily Events

‘Ello all!

It’s been an okay few days. I did spend some of it in a major funk but, I seem to be feeling better now, thankfully.

I kept getting into my head about things. How lonely I feel, how I’m not doing much with my life, guilt over my parents, battling this feeling of wanting to go home…I’ve been a little bit of a mess.

My dad made a new lady friend over the weekend and had some fun and it just really drove home exactly how lonely I’ve been feeling. I felt a little selfish about feeling that way. I’m so happy my dad found someone to have some fun with, why was I insisting about making it about me and how I’m feeling towards being lonely, you know?

But, it’s cool. I’ve joined Tinder and Happn for the time being. Just to talk to some people and hopefully, have new friends and acquaintances once this pandemic and quarantine all blow over. It’s been helping me with my Portuguese as well which is also a major plus. I still can’t speak well (the accent is so difficult for me) but, at least I’m learning words and how to use them in a sentence.

It’s difficult to explain why Portuguese is giving me issues. My native language is English, which is a pretty “hard” sounding language. It has a bit of a bite in the words (sort of like german but not nearly so bad lol). I learned to speak Spanish and Italian growing up. My parents always spoke Spanish around me (I didn’t really try speaking until I started working at the car dealership, and even then it was so little) and I took Italian/traveled a bunch to Italy during highschool. Italian and Spanish are a lot softer sounding. The words are very smooth and flowing.

Then there’s fucking Portuguese. Like, half the word has a bite, and the other half is super pretty. My mouth doesn’t know how to wrap around these words and form these sounds lol. I’ll get it eventually though, maybe, I just need to actually speak and practice.

Back to my previous musings. I just feel a severe lack of connection with someone. I also understand that I’m the type that, “loves to be in love” so it’s an expected feeling, especially when in a different country and in quarantine nonetheless. I’ve being longing to find my “soul mate” or “twin flame”, to feel that connection and intimacy with someone. I thought I had it for my current boyfriend, Eric (the same one I was dating and broke up with a few entries before my disappearance).

When I broke up with him back in 2018, I just…left. I told him I wasn’t really feeling it anymore and wasn’t happy and that was that. We never talked to each other again. I went off to Brazil, had my adventures here, and worked for Audi. We both just moved on with life. Then, when I came back to the States in January 2020 (I went back to Brazil after I got fired from Audi, stayed for the holidays, and went back home so I could go to my cousin’s wedding in Italy, then came back here in Feb and have been here since), I had spent a day at the Met Museum in NYC.
Side note: Let me tell you, I had a blast. I love going to museums by myself; you can wander for hours, spend as much time as you want on whatever catches your eye, take as many pictures as you deem necessary. It was fantastic!
Anyway, I posted some pics on my Instagram, and Eric ended up liking them. So, I messaged him… honestly, just to see how he was doing. I thought he would have some hard feelings about how things ended and wouldn’t really want to talk much, if at all.

But, we ended up talking… a lot. We spent a day together just hanging out and catching up. It was so nice and all the feelings I originally had for this man came flooding back. I even spent a night at his place, which is unheard of in my house. My mom adores him though so she didn’t make a fuss at all about it. We ended up getting back together, even though I was going to go back to Brazil for 6+ months.

And now, my feelings have faded again. Not to sound like a mega-cliche but, it holds true, “I love him but, I’m not in love with him.” He’s great, he adores me, he’s fun, we click so well, we have funny and deep conversations about everything, he’s good looking, loves his family....but, I’m just not feeling it. And it sucks. I feel awful. I hate that I’m stringing him along knowing I don’t feel the way he does and that I don’t see a future for us. I know it’s only hurting him, even if he doesn’t know it yet. But, I’m so comfortable with him and so lonely…

• AND SO FUCKING SELFISH *

I know what I need to do. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it.

So that’s also floating around in my head as well.

Another part of it is… in my head, I came here to get away from the hecticness of living in NY. Always working just to pay bills and never having time for myself. So, at least here, I don’t have those expectations. I would have more time to do the things I actually wanna do. And yet, I haven’t done anything. I have all the time in the world and none of the motivation to actually get shit done. I just sit in the house, eating, getting fat, and watching Netflix until my mind goes numb.

Though, having this little breakdown did kind of help get me into gear, even if just a little. I mean I started writing on here again right? Today, my goal is to make some art pieces (or even just one) and exercise a little. I’ll be good if I get even one of those things done.

I did start making some art again which is awesome. I can really lose myself in a piece, especially if I really like it. My preferred medium is scratchboard. Here’s a piece I did recently which I’m especially in love with. I’ve never added color/ink to a scratchboard piece before but, I love the way it turned out:

And that’s really it. The guilt over my parents, I can’t do much about. That just ebbs and flows as the days pass.

Anywho, time to go do stuff. I’m sure I’ll write more soon.

<3