On Being Kicked and Getting Up in These Foolish Things

Here in the US we have been given some extra time to get our 2019 taxes done due to Covid19. I’m seriously blaming all of this bullshit on 2019, not 2020, okay? I mean, all of the seriously horrible and life-threatening (to me) things happened, or at least started in 2019. I want to keep some kind of hope alive for 2020, even though everyone else says the whole year has been ruined. I plan to squeeze some goodness out of this year if it kills me. Haha. Ahem.

So anyway, I had to take some extra time to get some of my Health Spending Account stuff worked out (HR lady at work screwed up my HSA deposits when I got out of the hospital so I ended up depositing more than the allotted amount which means that I was going to be taxed on that and yada yada…). Boring boring boring, I know.

Bottom line is, taxes have been done and returned to me by my accountant and I OWE $1200. Fine time to be unemployed, but whatev. I will, of course, suck it up and cough it up. Just…ouch.

I don’t know, guys. It’s super hard to be grateful for the events of 2020, but I need to squeeze out some gratitude. I have been thinking about the Viktor Frankl book, Man’s Search for Meaning that I have in storage. I think I’ll try to dig it out tomorrow so I can read it again.

This man survived four concentration camps, including Auschwitz, and of course, had his moments, but his survival was a direct result of his own attitude and reactions to things that were happening around him. He survived by thinking loving and yearning thoughts about his wife, though unbeknownst to him, she’d already perished in another camp.

A few quotes of Viktor’s that I kind of love:

“Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.”

“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.”

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

“Don’t aim at success. The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it.”

That last one’s kind of hard. He’s saying not to pursue success/happiness…that it will happen naturally as you pursue a cause that’s bigger than yourself. Hm. I suppose I need to think on this one for a bit.

And yet, all the while I am working on manifesting my destiny…

Vision board is now about 75% complete. I have divided it up into four quadrants: (1) Career, (2) Love and Relationships, (3) Health, and (4) Cause

I have filled each of the quadrants up pretty full with words and images except for the “Love” section. I don’t know why that one has been so challenging. Maybe it’s that it just feels impossible to invite love into my life on a lockdown, but I think that’s probably just my own attitude. I need to get more creative, but MAN, does it feel like my energy is blocked in that quadrant. Visually, on the board, it is pretty striking how little is in that section.

In the center of the vision board I put a beautiful tiny booklet called “Home”. It is something that I picked up at the hotel where [Elaine Benes] and I stayed in Buenos Aires when we took our Argentina trip in 2018. Every week, the hotel would publish these little pocket handbooks that are basically instructions and guidelines on how to live in that little area of town that’s in close proximity to the hotel. I love everything about this little book. The cover has this exceptionally pretty printed floral pattern on it and the pages have the inside scoop on everything. I like that it is symbolic of my “home base” and my heart. I am striving to be a useful tool for myself and possibly a guide to others (or at the very least, a help, you know?).

Anyway, just some thoughts. I miss journaling. I want to try to get my thoughts out in these pages more. I, like everyone, am just feeling so out of whack these days. I need to ground myself and push myself so maybe this will help.

I better go. I’m getting up extra early tomorrow morning to work out and then take Martini to daycare and head to the doctor’s office for my Covid antibody test.

Tomorrow should be a very interesting day!

With all my heart,
GS