Nothing gets to break me. in Once more, with feeling...

  • May 12, 2020, 12:57 a.m.
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  • Public

Having you in my life has brought me a sense of peace and security that I’ve never experienced before. I think I have never really believed that someone, anyone, loved me. I mean, romantically. It didn’t matter how many times they said it or how they showed it, I just never quite believed. I was probably right about the majority of them, really. But I couldn’t even believe it a little, not really, because I didn’t believe I was worthy, that I deserved love.

When I say I can’t imagine where I’d be today if it weren’t for you, it’s not exactly true. I can see all of the ways having you in my life has changed me, so I can only assume that I would not be experiencing those same improvements to my quality of life if you weren’t a part of it. Knowing how I feel, what I’m going through, what I’ve gone through in the last year, I can only imagine it would all be so much worse, so much harder to handle, if I didn’t have your love to wrap around me like a warm, safe blanket.

I lost my religious faith a long time ago, but you have opened me up to a different kind of faith. I think maybe this is similar to what the religious experience, this faith I have in our love. It just is. There is no need for explanation or understanding. I am still in awe of it, still shaken by it, still illuminated, still transcended. (or maybe I just sound like a silly loon)

While sometimes I feel lonely, I have never felt so not-alone. I have never had such certainty that I am loved. It’s an overwhelming feeling sometimes and I often have to remind myself that the ties to that harder, lonelier life have been cut. I don’t ever have to go back. I can just move forward, at my own will and to my own betterment, at my own pace. There are no demands of me, no expectations, unless I put them on myself. Having you in my life allows me to be gentler with myself, more accepting, more kind, more patient. As long as I keep moving forward, keep trying, keep doing things to bring myself happiness and to improve my quality of life, I’ll succeed.

You’ve helped me realize that all of the shitty, rotten things that have happened to me in my life do not get to define who I am. They do not get to break me. They do not get to change who I am, make me scared and weak and cowering. They do not get to make me feel unworthy or undeserving or less-than. I’m not still here today, living and breathing, because I was weak or unworthy or undeserving or traumatized. I’m still here today because I’m strong and I survived.

Nothing gets to break me, not anymore.

I love you. Thank you for being.

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