It's been a LONG while in Musings and Daily Events

What’s up, peeps!?
So…I reread my last entry from 2017 to see where I should begin and honestly, so much has changed. And the change literally started about a week after my very last entry.

I am really glad I read the last entry, though. It showed me where my mental shift started happening. I received a new, physical journal about a month after my last entry and switched to using that for the last almost 3 years. Between reading the last entry and the journal, I managed to (sort of) piece together my journey. So here goes everything and nothing. (Kudos to you if you end up reading it all! I love you!)

So, my last full entry was December 2017, and that was when I really started getting into cannabis, which, I honestly believe, was the start of my journey. At that point, I was only smoking maybe a bowl a day after work. Eventually, it got to a point where I was smoking whenever I could. I would go on long drives with no real destination, smoke multiple times a day, before, during, and after work, and at times just because I had some free time. My goal was to stay high, all day, every day.
It got to a point where it actually ended up having a negative impact, which I recently started to realize. I became lazy, unmotived, the only thing I wanted to do was drive around and smoke. I haven’t smoked at all in the last few months (not by choice but, I’m glad it happened because it showed me how bad I had gotten) and the general self-improvement that’s been happening is staggering. I’m actually creating art, I started some online courses, I’m writing more…it’s been pretty eye-opening so, I’ve decided to fully cut back when I get back to the States (more on where I am currently later in this long story).
Anyway, as bad as it got, a lot of good really did come out of smoking so much. I helped me realize how distorted my way of seeing my world was. I ended up doing a lot of inner work. I came to realize that I have the power to manifest whatever I want, I found the Universe (Source, God, Yahweh, Buddha, Allah, whatever you feel like calling it, I see it all as One in the same). I was (and still am) the root of the majority of my problems and I have the power and control to fix it. I became a much happier, more empowered version of myself and I get a little better every day (now without the weed lol).

Anyway, enough about my cannabis findings. Back to catching up on life over the last two years. About a week after the last entry, I had bought my dad a new phone for Christmas and I came to find out: he’s cheating on my mother. While I was setting up his new iPhone, I had used an old storage point to add the contacts, sync the phone, whatever an iPhone does when you first set it up and want to add stuff from an old phone to the new one. I’m a diehard Android user, I don’t remember the exact terminology. I saw the texts exchanged between him and his side piece..
BRUH, it broke my heart. We had family over from Italy for the holidays at the time so I had to wait three weeks before I could even tell my mom. I was constantly going back and forth between should I tell her or not, should I just confront my dad about it first, should I just keep it to myself. The whole ordeal was a personal hell for MONTHS but, those first few weeks where I couldn’t talk to anyone about it…I think that was the worst.

I decided to tell my mom. Something in my gut told me that was the best option and boy, am I glad I did. My dad actually ended up being a real POS about it. He lied the whole way through, denied everything until he could not deny it any longer. At one point, I found pictures…of him…with the woman’s panties on his face…and he was still denying everything, saying things like it wasn’t him, he doesn’t know where those pictures came from, blah blah blah. It was absolutely fucking bonkers.
In the end, he decided to blame the cheating on me because I, “wasn’t doing well in school at the time” (I had been out of school for about 2 years at this point) and for “being a constant disappointment” and always stressing him out in general. Now, let me just point out: my dad and I have always had a good relationship. Don’t get me wrong we weren’t super close or anything like that. We weren’t the type to hang out alone together, sharing secrets, having heart-to-hearts…it wasn’t that kind of relationship with him but there was always a lot of love there because, I mean, he’s my dad and never did me any harm. I was a major daddy’s girl growing up. So for him to completely turn on me like this was crazy to me. It felt like I was stabbed in the back and the knife went straight through my heart. I mean, I graduated college with high honors, would call him directly just to say, “hey dad, everything is going well, love you see you when I’m home!”, I got a full-time job right out of college, never asked my parents for any money since I was 17....like what kind of bullshit are you spewing dude?! How can you possibly blame me for anything? All in all, he really showed his true colors and I did not like what I saw.

Fast forward a few weeks. My mom is absolutely devastated but, still sleeps with my dad every night, they’re still together, she wants to try and make things work, blah blah blah. Going from how could he do this to me, to I hate him, to I’m divorcing, to how will I live without him. She was a wreck, rightfully so. My mom doesn’t have friends (she says she doesn’t believe in having friends????) and isn’t close to most of our family. She’s a little abrasive so not many people are close to her. I end up being the one she talks to most. Which is fine, but, is also not fine. It was like, I want to be the role of the friend giving good, sound advice, while also being the empathetic daughter who found out, while also being the person my dad is spewing venom at all fucking day, every day. There were a lot of complicated and conflicting emotions going on for both my mom and I. As for my dad, yeah, he didn’t give a shit. He had the audacity to get mad at my mom and tell her to get over it and stop bringing it up two weeks after I had told her. He was really a POS.

Shortly after that, my mom ends up finding out I smoke weed and fucking loses it. She called me a drug addict, says I’m doing meth and heroin, and I need to go to rehab. I was ruining her life, she wanted to commit suicide, the whole nine yards. A small piece of my silver bracelet broke and the piece went missing. She thought I ‘stole’ it (I mean it was fucking mine) for drug money (like dude really? it was 3 centimeters of thin silver what would I even get for that). I got absolute hell for two days. Threatening calls to my cell and work phone, audio messages in hysterics crying, constant yelling when I got home… until she found it on the patio (my dog ended up finding it and taking it outside). She didn’t even apologize. Nothing. I felt like utter fucking garbage.

I’m gonna cut this entry short and move on to another. That’s pretty much the end of the fiasco with my parent’s issues.