Going stir crazy in The day to day

It’s happened. I have reached the point in this pandemic where I am going to lose my mind. First let me say that I want everyone to be healthy and I want to follow all guidelines. But if I can’t start to get out soon I just may well go crazy. I think it’s a combination of having no help at home now and there’s no where I can take A to get some of his pent up energy out. Playgrounds are closed. He is legitimately driving me insane. And I feel terrible about it. When my ex was here, at least I was able to get a break if I felt myself getting annoyed and frustrated really easily. We have been going outside here at home for him to get some energy out, but it’s not possible everyday. It is rainy and cold today. The temperature is actually going to drop into the 20s tonight.

I find myself yelling a lot. And immediately feeling guilty about it. A has been playing Roblox, which is fine, except that he gets extremely upset when he dies in a game or loses. So much so that I have to tell him to get off the computer. He then yells and tells me no. I again tell him he has to get off, and things just end up escalating. It’s been taken away from him for the entire day a few times in the last couple of weeks. But it doesn’t seem to make a difference with his attitude towards me when I tell him he has to get off the computer. I cannot stand the back talk. My 4 year old should not be back talking me.

When my ex came to get them on Wednesday for his visit, A had been already getting on my nerves. I ended up crying while my ex was here and explained to him that I just needed a break. He told me I should call him to come get A whenever I need a break. I’m too stubborn to do that. I just try and hold out until I know it’s his day to get them. I felt so relaxed by myself for a change. And then of course the mom guilt hits. That’s a vicious cycle to enter.

Our governor announced yesterday the date for when childcare centers will be able to be open. Tentatively of course. June 15. He said they will open at limited capacity. This is my job so I immediately have questions. How will it be at limited capacity? Will we turn away parents once we reach our limited capacity? Will workers lose hours because we won’t need them? So that basically put me in a panic attack. Nothing like a panic attack to get the blood flowing.
Then today the governor basically said they don’t know how the daycare centers will be opened at limited capacity. They are working on how it’s going to work. GREAT. Nothing like not having a plan and announcing when things will be opened again. Ugh I just hate the unknown.

Yesterday I tried to get B to watch The Princess Bride with me since it’s on Disney+. He asked what the movie was and when I told him of course he wasn’t interested. Should never have told him the title! I ended up getting upset about that too and crying a little. I am just feeling lonely and wanted to spend some time with my kid. Thought that sharing a movie I loved would be fun to do. Later that night he came out and gave me a big hug just because.

He’s been doing really well on getting his NTI work done for school on his own. I don’t have to nag him about it. One of his teachers actually emailed me today and thanked me for making sure his work gets done. She said he was a great student in and out of the classroom. And that he was also turning in quality work. I let him know what she said and gave him a high five.

His birthday is this month. Turning the big 13. I can’t believe I am about to have a teenager. And all that comes with that. I don’t know about having a party for him yet. We usually do a cookout at a local park with family. My ex always did the grilling out while I set up. With everything going on, I don’t know if we can have a party let alone who would grill if we did. I did order one thing he wanted for his birthday. A sweatshirt from one of his favorite YouTuber. Good lord that was an expensive purchase. But I know he will love it.

I ordered a Cricut Air 2 machine yesterday. Along with a couple of other accessories for it. I am excited to get it and hopefully make a T-shirt for B’s quarantined birthday. My friend told me of a local vinyl company too, that’s cheaper than the vinyl in the craft stores. And they have curbside pickup. Once I figure out how to work everything and make T-shirts, I am sure I will be using them a lot! That’s the one bright spot in my days lately. The only downside was kind of having a heart attack on how much money I spent for it. BUT it was all on sale. It was still the biggest purchase I have made in awhile on something for me and not my kids or the house. I have the money so I can justify it.

B just came back to me and gave me a hug again. Told me he was sorry I was getting so frustrated with A. Now I’m crying because he has such a big heart. I told him I was sorry I was having to yell so much and I was trying my best not to. That it was hard because we are all stuck at home with a lot of pent up energy. Love that kid. I love both of them so much. I’m going to have to work on some ways to not get so frustrated and recognize it before it gets to that point.

Well I’m off to figure out what to do for the rest of the night. Stay safe and sane.