Don't Want To Hear About It... in Just Moments

~Hey all I know I've been away for a while... I was in Las Vegas for vacation and I've been house sitting this week for some family friends. Its been alright but its just a big empty house and that makes me lonely sometimes but it is what it is.

~Work has been a quite difficult since I've been back. My manager has been super mean this week because of stuff he's had to do and he has been taking some of that frustration out on me and my co-worker, but I would have to say the brunt of the blow has been on me. I just feel like I'm back in high school again. People making a huge deal out of things that really aren't. If you are asked to do something by the owner of the company you just do it. Unless you want to get fired. At least that's the way I see it. No point in being crabby about it and making other people miserable. Just pisses me off. This whole situation is just childish and unfortunately I have the pleasure of dealing with it. Which meant that I had to cancel vacation that I had planned today just to deal with all this extra crap. I'm hoping to still get out of work early but I don't know if that will happen or not. Sometimes I just wish everything in my life would just work out and be simple, but that's never the case is it??

~On the guy front, I've been talking to this guy C. We've really connected and stuff, but I don't think he's the one. I mean he's ok to talk to and everything, I just don't think that we would make it for the long haul. Plus its really hard for us to find time to see each other anyways. Maybe we should just stop while we are ahead, but I don't know. The attention is nice, its been a while since I had a guy who is putting in as much effort as C is. Its actually something that is really foreign to me. I'm used to hearing from guys only when they want something from me. Which is super irritating. And you know what I've always (well almost always) just given in to them, to my limits. But still. I've been used so many times its pathetic. But it makes me feel like someone wants to be with me for those moments that we are together which is how I rationalize what happens. I did the same thing last night only the roles were reversed. I wanted to use a guy and use him I did. I mean he might have been using me too (more than likely that's the case but I don't want to put words in his mouth) and it was fine. We both got what we wanted and that's that. That's kinda how it works for me. And I'm used to that. I think this is why I have a hard time seeing myself in any real relationship. All my experiences have just been random moments with random (well not really random) guys. No one has really stuck around that long. Wanted to try things out with me. And the few that did, well they didn't stick around that long either. Some people ask me why I'm still single and I say that I haven't met "the one" yet. This is true, but there is so much more to it. I realize that I have this unrealistic list of what I want when it comes to a life partner and I should probably take certain things off the list, but I know that if I find that right guy it would last forever. I do compromise on some of the things on my list but everyone has those things that just can't be compromised. And my real problem is with the first on the list, which is I want the guy to share my faith. To me being with someone is pointless if you can't share that part. Other people would disagree and that's fine but for me is necessary. And honestly a lot of guys, well the one's that I've met, don't have faith. The ones that do just haven't worked out, or they are all already in relationships. So I don't know. Maybe I should just give up and get on with my life the way it is and just accept the cycle I live in, but part of me doesn't want to. Part of me wants more, needs more than that. I don't know what I should do anymore.

~Anyways... sorry long tangent. Lots of things have been bothering me lately and this is the only way I know how to get a lot of it out. I know that this won't fix anything but for me its a start. I'm not really sure what I want in life. Maybe I need to just live under a rock for a while and see what happens... I don't know what I want to do where I want to go, what I want to happen. So thanks to everyone to makes it through this! I know it was probably painful, but thanks...