I asked my son’s dad to take him for an extra day this week. Usually I have him four days and his dad has him three. I really wanted to get some things done and try to work a bit. I found a temp job online that I can pick up whenever I want. I have literally laid in bed for two days straight. My son comes back home Sunday morning and I haven’t worked at all. When I have trouble getting out of bed, I feel such a deep shame. I know that I get overwhelmed and just shut down. I try to be kind to myself about it. That’s what my therapist says, “Just give yourself a hug.” She’s amazing, like my Goddess or something. I really do beat myself up emotionally when I get like this. The terrible thing is, it has been pretty ongoing. There are ups and downs for sure. I am a very social person and being alone so much of the time is exhausting. The best word that I can think of is uninspired. Yes. That sounds right.
Basically, the only adult that I see is my ex. I think that it is wonderful that my son, my ex, and myself all spend family time together. Its pretty much saving me at this point. Weird though, isn’t it? The only adult person that I see is my ex boyfriend. I am trying to do the right thing and self isolate during this COVID crisis. Its just a weird existence for everybody right now.
I never thought that I would do anything like this-online journaling. I was thinking about a more private option. This is the best of both worlds though. Anonymous but out there. I have quite a bit of trouble with vulnerability. I really guard my thoughts and feelings in relationships. Its so extreme that when I really like someone, even if I wasn’t shy before, I will just clam up and won’t be able to think of a single thing to say. NOTHING. The best way I can describe it is that my brain goes frantically blank. The longer that I can’t think of anything, I more that I spin out. I thought maybe this journaling would help with that. I can put my real self out there, the scary things that I never tell anyone, without anyone knowing who is saying it. Baby steps, right?
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