So, this is my first post. I’m pretty nervous. Putting my thoughts and feelings out there is wicked scary for me but I have been feeling like I need a platform to purge all it all out. Therapy every other week is great but I thought that I would try this as well.
So, its 3:50am. My son is sleeping downstairs and I, like most other nights cannot. I really have been not sleeping for quite sometime. Its is really frustrating. I think part of it is being alone with my thoughts, stress, and a self destructive behavior. Hell, I even get stressed about not being able to sleep and that causes me to stay awake as well.
I am a definite workaholic. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. I do. Like super duper passionate about it. Before the corona virus hit and I was forced to stop working (hair stylist), I was getting more curious about why that was. I always thought that it was because of my love for my craft. Thinking back to my early twenties (before my workaholicness? began), I definitely was not that way. I think it slowly developed to fill a huge void in my life. I always wanted to be marrying with children but never really longed for a “traditional” life in the sense that I knew it growing up. That was always really hard for be to admit and still is. Deep inside me there was always this fear that it wasn’t in the cards for me. The further into my twenties that I got, the deeper that fear grew. It took me years to admit to men that I dated that I wanted a serious relationship. I always pretended to be super open to more casual relationships. If I admitted to them that I longed for more, I had to admit it to myself. There was no way in hell that I was going to do that.
So, now I am toying around with this idea that maybe I am such a workaholic out of necessity instead of choice. I was with my son’s dad for about four years. That didn’t work out but we are still good friends. In relation to how he was to money and consistency with my son, it definitely didn’t help the overworking. I felt like the pressure was all on me. I even spent tens of thousands of dollars creating a side business that ultimately isn’t doing great. My full time job is going great and its fine. I was and still am interested in the side business and passionate about the what it encompasses but I think that I did it out of desperation and fear. I really want my son to have a nice life and not worry about money or paying for college. I was responsible for paying for this bouji ass daycare and a nanny because I didn’t work a regular 9-5. With all of the pressure of that on me, I felt that I had to do something extreme to make the kind of money I needed to not feel completely broke all of the time. No family near me to help with childcare. In the end, I think that I spun this whole out of control, overly stressed, way too much work and responsibility for one person to handle life. I did it because I feel really alone in the world…and maybe to avoid facing/feeling some shit. It’s really hard for me to ask people for help, even if its clear that I need it. Like really hard for to even accept help, even if its offered. I will be at the grocery store trying to balance eight bags of groceries and a toddler and won’t let anyone help me to my car. haha. If I don’t ask, I won’t be let down. It’s something that I am truly working on, but it’s proving to take some time.
At the point that I am at right now in my life, even though nothing is perfect, I could kick myself. I put myself through all of that work, stress, and debt because of what? I didn’t want to tell my son’s dad that I needed him to help? Wouldn’t set boundaries on what responsibilities that I was willing take on? Didn’t want to admit defeat (stubborn bitch)? That’s what my life was doing. It was defeating me. And it won. For awhile…years actually.
I absolutely don’t have it all together now. I feel just as lost in some ways. Sometimes, I still feel like I’m drowing. Not as often. Not everyday. My struggles have shifted gears a bit since “Rona” came into our lives. That story is for another day.
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