Psychotherapy in The Wanderer

Since I'm back in Cali, and a lot of my friends have since moved away from the general area, I have joined a few MeetUps. I attended a meeting for a psychotherapy group last night and I went in with an open mind. I have never been to "psychotherapy" and didn't really know what to expect.

I arrived a bit early and sat on a bench outside talking to one of the members. She told me a bit about it and it sounded really interesting! By 6 they opened the door and we went inside. A young couple led the group and there were three other women who attended, all middle aged. We started with a meditation that focused on breathing and experiencing the moment. Afterward, I was surprised how deep I was into it and had trouble getting out of it. I felt very relaxed and comfortable, but with a strange sort of sadness mixed in that I didn't expect to feel. The man started reading a quote from a book and it struck me so personally that I knew I would have to speak up during the meeting, even though I had fully intended on staying quiet since it was my first time there. The quote said something about letting people do what they want without interfering with their freedom. Something about letting go of that control we feel when people aren't doing what we want them to do. Live and let live basically. Immediately I wanted to shout out, But what if what the people are doing and how they are living their lives are destroying themselves and their family?
I listened to the other ladies speak about how the quote touched them and the married couple leading the group kept reminding them to use their feelings, not their thoughts. This is something I will have to get used to because I am constantly thinking "what about this" or "what about that" or things that happened in the past or worrying about things in the future, and I never really feel in touch with what emotion I am feeling in the present.

The room suddenly got quiet and the couple seemed to want me to speak so I felt like it was my opportunity. I said something like, "I feel like I am struggling with letting my parents live their lives and letting them have the freedom to do what they want because what they want to do is pop pills and gamble and their addictions have destroyed my family and I feel like it is a huge burden on my brother and I, and as the oldest sibling I have the need to want to "fix" the situation...it is like they are sick and I want to take care of them, but I know I can't and I'm left feeling helpless, irritated, angry, resentful, and sad." I heard one of the women whisper, Wow. And I looked up at their faces and realized they were definitely not expecting anything like that to come out of my mouth. It was around 6:30 by this time, and suddenly the entire conversation was centered around what I had just said and it lasted until 8. I didn't want to take up that much time on it, but I felt it needed to come out and that I was exactly where I needed to be in that moment. These people were very supportive and we talked about how they felt about what I had said. One of the women said, "I feel like punching those parents in the face, but I also feel like I want to scoop you up and protect you because you are so young!" and we all chuckled. I heard stories about their own struggles with addiction as well as their experiences in watching loved ones struggle and the effects it had on them. They kept warning me to get out and get my own place, but I know that isn't financially possible but I understand their concerns. They gave me a lot of good advice and I learned that it is okay. I can accept them for who they are and live my own life without feeling the need to want to constantly try to change the situation. I have been dealt a hand, and I must look at it and say "Yeah, this sucks, but this is my hand and it is okay. I can be okay with the uncomfortable feelings the situation presents." Toward the end of the meeting I said,"Logically I know I can't fix them, but emotionally I keep asking myself Why am I not good enough for them to want to change and be better?" One of the ladies started crying and she said "You are good enough" and then I got teary eyed and didn't want to cry so I stared at the ground for awhile and just thought about that. Today I have been practicing being able to recognize the feeling I am feeling in the moment. Like it was beautiful outside today and I noticed the little things. I think this psychotherapy group is exactly what I needed and I am grateful to have found such an open and honest group of people that I can talk with once a week!