Something’s been bothering me lately (duh), and I can’t let it go.
SexyPants and I met on an online dating site. I don’t believe that online dating sites are bad at all (even though my last two now broken engagements started online). In fact, I think that I’ll probably be back online at some point…maybe even a bit before I’m ready. Maybe not. All I know is, I have found that there’s something to online dating and it beats going out to the bars and it sure as heck beats not doing anything!
Anyway, SP and I met online. But not until after I’d had a few crap dates and even a pseudo-relationship with CC.
CC was a liar. From the get-go. See, I didn’t think that he was boyfriend material at first, so we decided that we’d throw out the niceties so that we could strike up a pretty good friendship…even though we ended up twisting it all up into something romantic.
Anyhoo.. I found out on our second or third evening of hanging out together that he’d lied about his age. I thought it was a funny thing to lie about. He said he was 42 when he was actually 50. Now look, he’s a very nice-looking 50 (he’s now 54) and does look younger than his age, but I thought that it was a strange thing to lie about. Then again, he did tell me that most of the true eligible women who weren’t completely old, used up, and bitter were not looking for guys in their 50s. Fair enough, I guess, but I still thought that it was not very cool.
Later, I caught him in lies that were bigger and had to do with seeing other people…even though we weren’t in a committed relationship at all, he kept telling me that he wasn’t seeing anyone but me. Not anyone at all. So it was around that time that I hinted around that I was interested in being his girlfriend and since he wasn’t seeing anyone else….why not, right?
So he finally took the hints and told me that he was ready and wanted to be my boyfriend. And in the same breath, he told me that he was going to stop seeing those other women. Um…what? Those other women??? The ones that you told me you were never seeing at all anyway?!
I told him to fuck off. And I didn’t talk to him again. At least not until I was waaaaay over him….which, truthfully, didn’t take much.
So I went back to my little internet dating site and edited a few photos and then added a caveat at the end of my profile that said something to the tune of, “I shouldn’t have to say this, but I have pretty good intuition, so please don’t even think about lying to me because in the long run, I will find out…”
Thinking back to my first date with SexyPants I now remember it: I remember VERY clearly that he LOVED that I wrote that in my profile. He told me that it was sexy that I was expressing some true feelings and that I wasn’t afraid to put it out there- that I won’t accept being deceived.
Looking back, I realize NOW that he took this as a challenge. That motherfucker. He took my words as a challenge. I bet he wanted to see how much wool he could pull over my eyes. Now, it may have been subconsciously, but I doubt it. Especially because he pointed it out to me and we talked about honesty and the fact that I’ve been lied to and I found out. I believe that he took this as an exciting challenge to see just how much he could get away with.
Not only that, on our first date he talked about infidelity and the fact that he lived a double life when his wife and kids lived in China and he had a business in Japan and he took on a Japanese girlfriend and lived with her when he was in Tokyo and went back and forth between his two lives.
What. On. Earth. Was. I THINKING?????? Why on earth did I take on THAT challenge??!
Of course, I did find out about his infidelities with me. Why and how could I have been surprised? And of course I was upset, but he went in to full-on damage control mode and once again, suckered me back. I was cautious, but I was also cautiously optimistic. He was so incredibly remorseful and ready to spring into action with fixing everything. I truly believed he deserved another chance.
What I didn’t know was that the second chance had to be on his timeframe. For a while, I was able to monitor his emails and his whereabouts, but that didn’t last more than a few months. After that, I was just supposed to trust. He didn’t understand why it took me so long to trust him again. He didn’t understand why I would sit up at night during his frequent business trips to Las Vegas and conventions and his entertaining “the guys” here and there. He didn’t understand that I wanted to hear from him during his nights on the town and after his dinners.
And I hated, hated to nag, but I guess that was what I was turning into. Because OF COURSE I’m going to ask what he did the night before when he wakes up at noon, finally calling and telling me that he “drank too much last night.”
OF COURSE I’m going to fret and worry and wonder…wonder…wonder. And then OF COURSE I’m going to ask.
But it’s futile to ask, isn’t it? Because a liar can lie and a truth-teller can tell the truth. And I never knew which one he was.
Or maybe I did. And I was just too afraid to admit it. Or maybe I was wrong. And what the fuck? Who the hell knows?
I will never know.
What I do know, and I promise I do know this now – is that when someone tells me that they were a liar and a cheater in their past, then they are NOT the one for my present.
I love you. GS
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