This will likely be a short entry… Some of you may have noticed my obsession with Hamilton in the prologue. Well you’ll be happy to now that I have now moved onto other very excellent musical. Currently Heathers is playing, but I also love Be More Chill, Mean Girls, Six, and several others.
But as I sit here, the Witcher 3 paused, Me inside of Me playing in the background, and I stare at everything around me that Soma left behind. Things that remind me… The Witcher 2 guidebook that is useless now since I no longer own it. When Soma left, I let him take the gaming computer as a farewell gift and it had all 3 Witcher games on it (My favorite game series by the way) and as a result I sold my copies on console. I’ve since rebought Witcher 3 but not 2, so now it sits there… taunting me…
Speaking of which the desk that once held said computer that we both spent constant hours on together… I miss him so much. I want to stop existing… There is so much pain in my life, from physical (Chrones disease, chronic kidney stones, Brugada Type 1, acute pinched sciatic nerve, destroyed immune system due to a parasite I had my sophomore year of high school and that’s not even counting my mental illnesses), to emotional. I constantly struggle to find validation in my life. I have friends sure and they all tell me that they enjoy my company but I’m rarely ever messaged first about anything. In fact many of the friends in my prologue entry I no longer even speak to anymore. Nate, Lexi, Michael, and Maggie are all basically out of my life for one reason or another. So my Eevee bracelets went to waste… Even Soma forgot his… but I suppose I technically gave Umbreon to Sam… sigh. I digress. Even Shawn doesn’t really have much time to hang out seeing as he now has two kids and him and Roxy have broken up…
Life is a constant state of pain for me and I don’t know how to fix it. There’s so much inequality in the world, and I’ve been on the receiving end of more than my fair share… the fact that there is so much about me that makes me.... well me and yet all I can seem to write about in these digital pages is my relationships with other people is telling. Perhaps my biggest character flaw is that I define my life’s success and by extent my self-worth by judging the success of my relationships with other people… which have almost all been catastrophic failures. Even the people I’m closest to now, David, Cameron (who is El Salvador thousands of miles away), and Haymaker (Another friend who is also named Shawn, but a different person), all fell distant from me. I know in my heart that they care about me and would be sad if I died and all the things that come from that indication… Yet I still can’t bring myself to think it’s enough…
Now as Our Love is God ends, I think that’s a fitting end to this entry…
Until next time…
Peace Love and Hair Grease,
Lionstar
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