Most of this entry is just, as the title implies, getting you caught up on my life up to this point. Well… you are likely very disapointed to learn that Soma and I are no longer together. Yes Soma. In due time.
Well yes, Soma and I did get together shortly after my last entry on my previous journal. I moved in with him while he was living with Justin and we slowly grew closer together. One day, Justin came home drunk and when we confronted him about it he kicked us out. That began a mad rush to find another house before the state took Elizabeth. Not that it ended up mattering, but we’ll get there… Finally we found a house literally two days before the state was set to put Liz in the system. It was pure luck, and we got her back. It was shortly after that Soma told me that he loved me for the first time and for a while, I couldn’t have been happier. But then… stress got the better of me for a number of reasons. One, I was the only one working and while yes, Soma was taking care of Liz, he still did little to no cleaning around the house which made me very frustrated cause I was pulling in all the money and he couldn’t bother to help?
Whatever, it doesn’t matter now. After a particularly bad fight and an incident I won’t repeat here, Soma and I both realized we both realized that… we weren’t ready to be parents. Or more accurately, he wasn’t. I guess I wasn’t either but for very different reasons and after being raised by a single mother who struggled each and every day to take care of me and my sister, I was willing to fight past the idea I wasn’t ready. But he wasn’t. So Liz went to another family… and I lost my daughter....
I know she wasn’t mine biologically but I loved her like she was mine.... And I miss her… I still remember all the little quirks about her that made me love her so much… even now, in the room I’m writing this that used to be hers, the time she got a hold of crayons and draw all over the walls and I still haven’t covered it up. So it just… sits there, taunting me about my failures as a parent…
I digress. After that Soma and I’s relationship went downhill very slowly… It’s April right now and we broke up in November. One of the major turning points in our relationship was when he came out to me as trans. And I won’t deny that at first I was dismissive. Which I deeply regret every day since… but Soma was prone to flights of… for lack of a better term, personal experimentation. So I assumed this was one of those. It wasn’t and by the time I realized it was too late… I had lost him… There was a lot in between those two points… ups and downs, successes and failures. Maybe one day I’ll get drunk and write it all out but for right now that’s really all you NEED to now up to the present. Except now… I’m hurting. Bad… Soma moved to Washington and is already in another relationship which… I won’t lie I kinda resent him for. That he was able to move on so easily… and that he told me he already loves his new partner… after all the fighting I had to do for his attention and affection… for him to just… do that is excruciatingly painful at best and downright cold at worst. No matter what it feels like it sucks.
What I will say is that the Sam that I fell in love with was not the Soma I broke up with and I think that at the end of the day that is a good thing overall. Soma and I were not good for each other… for one, we both shared a similar brand of depression so instead of one of us pulling the other out of a funk, we would just pull the other back down. There was a lot of other reasons but regardless we weren’t right for each other on a personal level. That being said, I do think that the reason he was so different by the end of it was an overall positive influence on my part. While we weren’t right for each other, I was one of the only healthy-esque relationship he had had. Which allowed him to explore himself safely in positive ways. Unfortunately I’ve come to the realization that is a lot of the reasons our relationship fell apart in the end. Don’t get me wrong, even now I love him so much and I lament his loss each and every day… As it stands right now, I would do anything to get him back but I think that’s largely the loneliness speaking… But in almost every facet he was different from the person I initially fell in love with.
Almost everything you heard me sing her praises about in the last entry didn’t exist (for better or worse) by the end of our relationship. A part of me is really glad he has come into himself (literally) but I really do miss the woman I fell in love with almost as much as the person she became. But while I had known Sam for mere months before falling in love with her, I got to fall in love with Soma in real time and that isn’t something I would trade. I will forever treasure the time we spent together. If you happen to find this Soma… I do love you… and I’m sorry I didn’t take your transition seriously in the beginning. A part of me really resents your new partner, and I want to be hateful and spout hate here. Because even though I barely know him I have a lot of hatred toward him right now. But I can’t bring myself to say (type… I guess…) these things…
I don’t know what else to say right now… I work overnight and it is currently 1:23 PM here so I need sleep. I honestly don’t know how this site works but comments are welcome and appreciated. If you want to talk to me privately, I guess message me? Is there messaging here? I’m too tired to take the time to look it up. You can email me I suppose. [email protected].
Until next time…
Peace Love and Hair Grease,
Lionstar
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