someone has to make the tough choices in Sometimes I feel dead inside

I remember feeling you breathing. I couldn't sleep my heart was racing. I didn't know what I even was going to do with you. I swear I thought you'd hear it or feel it. I wanted to take a chance, I didn't want to ruin yours. I spent most of the time working out what would be the best move. I knew the right move even as my body screamed in protest. I knew all it would've taken was a single touch and we'd both just go with it. I knew you wanted me to make a move as badly as I wanted to. I sometimes regret it, I regret letting you go, pushing you away, never quite giving you the love you wanted/needed. I know it was the smart move though. Your past would've pushed me away eventually. It became more apparent to me as time progressed. Sure I want everything, but we both know it would've been bad in the long run. i will just leave it as something i will always just have to wonder about. i can't make the what ifs go away. i find myself thinking about them from time to time. i know i would've insisted on taking you to meet my parents if we lived in the same city still. i would've probably gotten around to marrying you in the next year or so. because i don't know any better and i know you can't do better. instead i just have occasions of what if, i know we are both better with the way things turned out. i do believe it was the best choice, i thought so as i laid in bed listening to you snore as i contemplated which way to wake you up. i keep having dreams that you're still there and things were different. maybe because i'm just afraid of being alone. no, not afraid, angry at being alone, even with whatever random bodies grace my bed and life, it was nice to feel like i wasn't alone in this world, it was a nice vacation from reality. i'm not jaded about it and i'm sincerely glad things have gone so well for you. i am allowed to be selfish in my own thoughts though. i stare at the same ceiling, thinking the same thoughts i did a year ago. staring at the ceiling like it holds some answer i can't find anywhere else.