Today was a little on the tougher side. I decided to go to a nature park with Iris to take some photos this afternoon. Little did I know, it was right around the corner from my ex-husband’s apartment. And then I decided to get dinner from this little Indian restaurant right across the street from his apartment. The whole time that I was in the area, I was afraid that I would run into him and his new girlfriend, or at least see them. I was afraid, but deep down, I also wanted it to happen. I found myself looking at the sidewalks. There were a couple times where I thought I saw them and my heart immediately stopped. I’m not exaggerating; it actually felt like it stopped. Why did I subconsciously want to run into them? Because I can show her what she’s not—mature with life experience, healthy, and fit (she’s 21 years old and really big; which I get yes, looks are for sure not everything, but I’m trying to find reasons to hate on her). I wanted to intimidate her.
BUT WHY? I’m not a mean person. I’m the person who’s very conscientious of how I communicate with others; I’m the person who’s compassionate. I don’t want to make other people feel bad; so why am I targeting this desire to make her feel bad? I know that it’s immature. I know that it’s mean. I know that if I were to actually do it, I would end up feeling bad about it. But I still have this desire and I still hate her. She’s done nothing to me, other than prove to me that my ex-husband is actually looking for sugar baby. And to think back on it, that’s kind of what he wanted from me. And that’s the problem. I don’t play that game because I’m not looking to be taken care of in exchange for giving up all control in my life. I’m looking for an actual partnership and relationship that expresses love in a very respectful way. I’m not looking for a daddy, that’s for certain.
I realized that with his girlfriend in town, I haven’t been tempted to text him. As a result, I haven’t had any extreme lows or points of sadness this week. It’s a very ‘out of sight, out of mind’ moment. I also had a chat with a wonderful man today—a virtual coffee date, thanks to Corona. Anyways, I’d never really date him, we’re way too similar. BUT, it was such a great chat because he’s an ISFJ who got out of a 5 year relationship last year. And we were just able to relate and align so well on looking back at relationships, growth, figuring out who we are outside of a relationship, and what we’re looking for. It was a very beautiful and vulnerable conversation. It gave me hope that what I’m looking for in a relationship isn’t impossible. It’s very possible. It also gave me hope and proof that I am changing and becoming comfortable with vulnerability, and I can continue to improve in that realm.
On the other side of that, I had another conversation with someone that went in the opposite direction. He could not handle that I was previously married and still going through the divorce process (thanks, California for that waiting period). I’ve been torn between telling people early on because I don’t want to spring it up or seem dishonest, but I also don’t want to make it a big deal too early on because it’s not. But I digress. I was just being honest because we were discussing what we want in relationships and in life. And I mentioned that I wanted a family and that was part of the reason why my previous marriage didn’t work. He was upset that, well…
1. I’m still married, even though that’s a legal technicality. I don’t even consider myself married.
2. I’m walked down the aisle before and done the whole wedding thing.
What he doesn’t get is that just because it happened once, doesn’t make the second time any less special. I’m not that upset though, he lives hella far away—53 miles away to be exact. So I’m not mad; if anything, I’m proud of myself because I saw the change and growth I’ve gone through in order for that conversation to even happen. I get that some people aren’t okay with being in a relationship with someone who’s divorced. I don’t agree with it at all. But then again, I am the one who is divorced; but I see so much that comes with it. It’s not always baggage, and in my case, there’s minimal baggage. What I see is life experience, lessons learned, and a huge amount of maturity. As much as I disagree with Trump (major understatement)… “it’s yuge, it’s so yuge, you wouldn’t even believe it.”
Also, who am I?! I’m starting to say “hella” and I think I’m officially a California resident. I tried so hard over the last 6 years to avoid that word, and it’s finally creeped its way into my vocabulary. But I accept it, and who I am today.
I accept myself as I am in this moment. I am a creative, an intellectual, a thinker, a feeler, an introspective, a harder worker, and an independent, strong-willed woman.
I have so much gratitude for my resilience, who I am, and who I’m becoming. I may have evolved incredibly over the years, but the things that have never changed are my own moral values. It’s a huge part of who I am.
Thank you world, for being open to all of my thoughts. I’ve never needed this feeling of acceptance of my honest thoughts and ideas more.
Namaste.
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