Sent hiking in 2020 Vision

If there’s one thing this quarantine has made me want to do, its exercise....A LOT. It makes me feel slightly in control of things. And since my usual daily routine has been completely upended, exercise helps. I can’t kickbox or hike currently, but I’ve been doing a lot of rollerblading and running. Rollerblading I can do for hours on end (assuming I don’t wipe out), but running definitely has a time limit lol. Last night I ended up doing both. First I went for an hour and 15 minute run and then I went rollerblading for 45 minutes. I had a lot of energy/angst I needed to get out of my system.

You see…remember when I wrote a few weeks back how I had an angry session with my therapist because that’s when all of these initial “lockdowns” were going into place, and I was still adjusting to the adjustments and said things like “coronavirus won’t kill me, but spending all day alone indoors will” and “i wished I worked at an amazon warehouse because then i’d get to be around people all day” and I think I might have mentioned something like “we literally cannot save every grandma on the planet from dying” because at that point, we seemed to have similar view points about everything going on. And she was the first person I was able to talk to in person in 2 weeks, so it just allllllll came flooding out. Remember how I wrote “hopefully she doesn’t tell me to take a hike (as in me being fired)”? I WAS IN A MOOD

Well, I’ve been told to take a hike, and I’m currently without a therapist. I never got physical with my anger, I just needed a good verbal diarrhea session, and that seemed like the place to do it. She claims she no longer has availability to see me and suggests I seek out a specialist for Trauma and that she’s done all she can do with her skill set. This was all done, of course, through e-mail and was abrupt and without warning. I had no idea that session would be my last. My trust issues have heightened and the last thing I feel like doing is finding a random therapist online and scaring them off, too, on a heightened angry day. I think she saw me as a heightened suicide risk that she didn’t want any part of. I was venting, and you know how you get in moods some days where you just need to vent grumpily as a way to just get things out and off your chest?

I feel misunderstood and abandoned. Negatively impacted. I’d been seeing her on and off for 3 years, so yeah, maybe I should have dumped her awhile back, but until a few weeks ago, she was a familiar face who knew most of my back story who I could count on to talk to every other week or every 3 weeks. I just wish she could have helped set me up with someone new while still seeing her for one or two more sessions before cutting the cord.

So I’m taking a break from therapy. I’m not a heightened suicide risk. And I hate feeling misunderstood and set-aside-able (not a word, but I’m using it).

I did have one full blown panic attack after receiving the email. It took 3 hot baths and deep breathing exercises before I returned to normal and didn’t think I was actually dying. Its been years since my last panic attack, but the dying feeling was the same. Such an untimely moment in life for this to happen. I could see it if I threw chairs or threatened her in some way, but I don’t feel like I did anything that unusual for a therapy session except possibly make myself look like a heightened suicide risk (which if that was the case…she should have assessed, but didn’t.) I will convince myself that I’m better off without having her as my therapist. Someday. It’s a hard one.