[three] in Open Diary

I'm so tired of being "in trouble." I'm tired of the criticism. I'm tired of whispering, "Please don't make Daddy angry" to my small children. Last night I was "in trouble" because, when I couldn't sleep and decided to get up, I "stormed out and slammed the door." What? Every thing I do is twisted until I don't know who is crazy. This morning I was "in trouble" because I was running late after I fell back asleep after he woke me up--I just "blew [him] off." I just had to close my computer and jump up and start cleaning. If he gets up from the couch or bed and out from in front of the television and starts doing "what needs to be done" or my work.... Well, I'm pretty much screwed. If I continue to do whatever I'm doing, then he gets mad that I don't get up and do what "obviously needs to be done." I mean, yeah, the floor could be swept and there are a couple of dishes in the sink and laundry always needs to be done--we're a family of six for Pete's sake--but I am in no way as disgusting as he says I am. Really. I've seen disgusting. His mom keeps a museum-quality house, though, and I am held to that standard. On the other hand, though, if I get up and start working next to him, he gets mad at me because I'm "just doing it so he won't get mad." I mean, yeah, that would be the only reason for me to jump up in the middle would be so he doesn't get mad at me but I don't say that. But he gets mad at me because I act like he might get mad at me. I feel so crazy. I'm not okay. I need help. I need a plan. I asked him yesterday if I could get a job. Of course, he didn't forbid it, but he strongly discourages it. I know what that means. If I try to get a job, I will end up paying for it. I need to get a job so I can get away from this. I don't want to. I do love my husband. But I can't live like this forever. I'm thinking about taking the exam for a highway patrol dispatch position. I think it would be enough for me and the kids. It would be a lot more than we live on now--laying on the couch to micro-manage my time and make sure I'm doing the things he wants me to do doesn't bring in a whole lot of money, yanno? But there would be added expenses like travel to the nearby-ish larger city where the job is located and childcare. I will so miss my children. I've been home everyday since before they were born. I have about a year and a half left to complete my degree and credentialing so that I could work nearby. I don't know, though. Somehow things need to change. He doesn't believe he has a problem so the change will not be in him. I need a plan. I woke up this morning from a dream in which I was hiding in a cupboard because I was afraid of being in trouble. I am much too old for this.