I’ve been feeling particularly sad this evening. I suddenly had flashbacks and memories come to mind from our honeymoon; specifically, the fireplace in our suite, being alone in the hotel restaurant for breakfast, playing chess and seeing his face so concentrated, and orange and yellow leaves. It felt so happy and so exciting. I felt so in love and everything in that moment was perfect. I have such clear pictures of those memories in my head, almost as if they’re imprinted.
I love Fall. Clay and I built traditions for ourselves that we do together every Fall. My love for Fall is a huge part of the reason why I wanted to get married in October. I’m hoping that these memories haven’t ruined my love for Fall.
In a way, I wish I could forget all of it. These happy memories make me so sad. I know that I will never have the opportunity to experience these memories or anything like them with Clay again. That makes me sad. I also feel slightly abandoned. He promised me that he would be committed for life. I spent months addressing and trying to get past abandonment issues from my parents. It’s a work in progress, but on top of that, I’ve added on abandonment issues from my husband. Part of me, as my therapist would call, child Liv, fears that all promises end up being broken. And this is why I have so much trouble relying on others. My therapist has been telling me that it’s not true and I want to believe it, but with my track record, it’s a struggle.
I’ve been listening to our wedding song while writing this. Thanks, John Legend. It reminds me of what’s been lost. It reminds me of the broken promises. All of the memories, from wedding planning to the night of our wedding to experiencing our first real Fall together on our honeymoon, comes flooding back. It was really a great time, but I need to let go of it.
Just as I tell my students in my stretch class: “inhale, absorb your stresses, exhale those stresses and that let shit go!”
Biologically, every time we inhale, something like only 60% of the oxygen we inhale will only make it to the deepest part of our lungs. This means that even when we inhale, there’s a part of the old air that stays with us. It takes multiple breaths to fulling deplete our bodies of the air we breathed a minute ago. It takes time and multiple efforts to rid our bodies of the old feelings and emotions. The memories will always be there, but the emotions that surround it will change. It just takes more inhales and exhales.
Repeat after me: things will get better.
Loading comments...