Bits and Pieces of What I Remember... in Life in the Lost Lane...

Okie, where to begin, well i guess everything started when i had met my first real boyfriend, when one is so young and desperate i guess one will pick the first suitor that comes along. I had to be around 22, I had met to whom we will refer to as the Dbag, it suites him nicely, for someone that had been abused as a child and visually impaired i would have thought that he would have been more of a kinder individual than what he ultimately was. Of course in the beginning it was all hearts, rainbows and puppy dog tails, lol. We talked about moving to Texas, which being a young woman in love i was devastated to even think that i would be without him. Pfff The things i know now would have been wonderful to know then, but hind sight is 20/20 right? In a whirlwind i made rash decisions, i uprooted myself from the only family i have ever known to go with a man him being a couple years younger, but more worldly than i have ever been, im from a small suburb in Iowa. Filled my little car up and off we went. I remember going and having a snow storm follow us there, i remember thinking can i just not get away from this, this snow and a life i was eager to leave behind. I wanted to be on my own and spread my wings.

Little did i know that it would pretty much be one disappointment after another. We moved down there and moved in with his grandparents, grandma was a little on the medicated side, but when she was on her meds she was as nice as can be, grandpa, even to this day i still miss that old man, we dont keep in contact any longer, its sad because for the 7 or so years that i was there, they were the only family i had ever known. So it took me a whopping 6 months to find a job, at one point grandma quit taking her meds and we moved out one night after a blowout with her, telling Dbag that i was lazy and i wasnt trying, this upset me greatly, i am a very hard worker and i have worked everyday for whatever i have wanted and or needed. So unable to find a job was greatly a detriment to my psyche. I do not have the best memory but i have things that come and go that i remember. We moved two towns away, as they say everything is bigger in Texas, that includes the driving, wowzers! While he worked as a massage therapist at a chiropractors i had eventually found a job at a hotel working front desk, ya that was a sucky job, nights and i got paid awful, though i cant quite remember if we had an apartment and then moved into the hotel after or vice a versa, memory is kinda hazy there, but i can remember the street name, weird huh?

But i eventually found a better job and the first time in my life i had left a job at the Dbags insistence of not giving my two weeks notice. I have only been fired from one job in all my life when i was suffering from migraines and my job in Iowa worked on a points system, even with a doctors excuse they didnt care. But forward we must go. Hmm I had started working at a Cancer Facility, i tell you the people that i met there that i worked with, i have yet to find such a great bunch of people, very supportive and ever so friendly. I think its sad how those on the outside can see what us fools in what we think is "love" can not see. Over the years i met a log of great women, some to this day i still keep in touch with even though it will be 3 years this year since i have moved on. But we will get there. The staff, doctors, nurses, business office and i, i really do miss them so very much. They used to tell me, J, you will know that this relationship is so very wrong, because when you find that right guy, J, he will treat you so well, he will treat you the way you deserve to be treated (as i cry when im writing this, so very true.) But, those gals were there for many things that i felt i had to put up with. I used to tell my boss stories and she used to tell me that she could write a book with all the crazy stuff he and i did.

Hmm lets see where did i leave off...Over the years we had moved to i believe 3 different apartments one was in the hood, seriously 99 cent whoppers! There were bullet holes in the street signs, my rent was cheap, but then so were the other tenants living there. I have no problem with people needing help with state assistance, but when you sit there and tell me to get on food stamps and housing assistance because you get extra money at christmas thats just plain wrong! I work hard for my money and they are on it for the bonuses!!! So i think in that time frame we had even lived with the grandparents at least 2 other times, the Dbag was a cheap person, seriously cheap, he would buy stuff and take it back, ya'll every christmas we would buy lights and a miniature christmas tree that was plastic and every year he promised me that we wouldnt take it back, i swear to you as soon as the day after christmas hit, he was making me take that back. WTF!!! And like always i let him push me around and do it. I was a very passive person and over the years every thing that would go wrong or happen would put just a little bit of a crack in that reserve.

His mother was a nutjob on her own OMG people it was a horrible thing to deal with, at one point she would be all nice as could be and the next run for the hills! Bat Shit Crazy folks!!! They had a set of twins, good enough kids but so brain washed by what their mother taught them that they were like that for a very long time. I know now, that after they joined the Army/Navy, they have become their own persons, she disliked that very very much. But im getting ahead of myself again, i have a tendency to bounce, ADD sorry! So we eventually moved out in the backcountry of East Texas, lifes not all puppy dogs an rainbows and i wish that i had taken that one day not long before we were getting ready to leave that he had laid his hand on me, ladies let me tell you, once is always too many. It progressed over the years, it happened maybe a couple times a year, the physical part of it, hitting and such, though the verbal was pretty much a weekly if not daily occurrence. Yes i am a heavier gal, i had actually lost about 20 lbs before we had left, exercise and good eating, that didnt last long once i found out i was in love with mexican tamales! Mmm is to say the least. I had gained about 100 lbs, which lead to more verbal abuse.

Being bullied like that on a frequent occurrence doesnt do well for ones self, my image of myself was horrible, i hated myself and i thought that everyone that said i was pretty was out of their mind. He had bullied me to the point that i had no self worth. Even now, i do have some issues with how i view myself. Its a work in progress. So i am a woman of morals that i am proud of, be nice to others, be honest, hard working, etc. But the morals he had made me feel even worse about myself because he was dragging me down with him. If there is such thing as KARMA, he will eventually pay for what he has done, as will i. But im getting lost again and thinking about it does bring tears once again. As i was saying we had bought some land and wanted to build a house on it, a modular one to the specs of a real house, i tell you after working in town every day and driving out there to do another 4 to 6 hours worth of work on the property was ever so tiring. Though i think i would prefer to ride the bicycle he once made us do to and from work, i had 6 miles a day on that thing minimum.

Rain or shine, i was biking, our vehicle had been in an accident and he wanted to save money, though i never figured out how that worked since he did sports betting, i would put money on it that he probably still does. While we were working on the land we had bought a 1950s pull behind trailer to live on the land until we built, of course i did a big majority of the fix up on that, then i had the pleasure of driving a 84 mile round trip daily. And even several times to be accused of cheating on him, not so much as coming out and saying i did, just snide remarks saying i shouldnt have taken so long, according to him me being stuck on a bridge for 4 hours is a lie, seriously! Yes i like nothing more to hear you complain and sit here in the hot Texas sun. So you think im pulling your leg at all when i tell you that he likes to take items back to the store? One time we had gotten a 12ft John Boat from Bass Pro, nice motor along with it, i dont remember how we hauled it, but they were supposed to be unsinkable, we pretty much had it sunk as we were wading to the shore myself, one of the twins and Dbag along with our pup. Wow mess! He took all that back and got a full refund on it. Oh dont let me forget to tell you about the 10 x 20 deck he had me take back to Home Depot, he worked there and he didnt want it looking bad for him.

I was on Home Depots watch list for a long time! I couldnt bring anything back unless i had a receipt, funny thing is i always had receipts for anything we did. Though i later heard he had sued them and won a discrimination suite. So shortly after he started working at the HD, he brought home a stray, this is all after we built the modular home, it was a pretty sight, beautiful if i have to say so myself. All hand picked colors, river rock brick for the skirting, it was something else! But he had a guy come live with us, he was a down on his luck kind of guy, we later found out why, he was a lazy drunk, didnt want to work, got fired, he had just gotten a divorce with his wife because she found out he was in a relationship with another man. Ya some serious Jerry Springer shit i tell you! He was great for a while, cleaned the house, cooked sometimes, entertained the dbag, he always talked about keeping Austin Weird, i have no clue what that is, but there was a flea market on the weekends, he would pull some stuff together and sell it there and make a bit of money, enough for his beer and scratch off tickets. Then he started doing a phone chat line, he introduced the dbag to that, he then had started hanging out with this woman.

First mistake was that, hanging out with strange women, im still naive as can be. The dbag would always start fights and commotions close to my bday, i think it was so he didnt have to do anything. I tell you, my birthdays and holidays were the worst to handle, being away from my family, it was a crazy thing, but i stayed, one not wanting to go home with a wounded pride and two well dammit when your in love your in it for the long haul. Pfff, being a dumb girl is what i was being. He had told me on and off for years that if i didnt do something about myself he would go and find someone better, the words still ring in my ears to this day, "I am only with you because your the best i can get at this moment." What kind of person would even say that to another human being??? So the dbag picked a fight around my birthday 2010, come to find out a couple weeks later he had sex in our house with another woman, how do i know you may ask, dbag was sitting on his friends car and she came up and sat on his lap as she ground her buttocks into his groin, really i saw that and i saw red, you want to do that, heres your clothes in a laundry basket get the F out and dont come back as i threw them outside and locked all the doors.

Im not saying i was perfect, but really? He begged and pleaded and i had a talk with his grandma, i felt that she was my grandma too and i needed comforting from someone, her grandson was a pig and still is. I finally let him back into the house after 1 am, he was pretty steadfast that they never did anything, then it was well we kissed, then it was well yeah we did have sex, in the house in one of the bedrooms. Oh thats great, then the next day i went on a shopping spree, i did that when i was upset, still do in fact. But he expected me to take him to work even after he did what he did, i made the roommate take him and i went shopping at the outlet mall, i received so many calls that day, him blubbering about wanting me back and he was sorry, some from the roommate saying that he had to bring the dbag home because he was so inconsolable and couldnt work, really you freakn did that to yourself, but as the forever sucker i am, i believed that he would stop what he was doing, that he loved me enough to have a family, so we reconciled that night and tried for a family, i know what a stupid, stupid woman i was. Though he wanted to wait to continue to try for children to see if it took, Wahhh? He was hanging out with our roomy more.

The roomy always went up to the gas station, come to find out there was a 19 something year old girl there, had a kid of her own and i dont know what it was but she became infatuated with the dbag, along with him to her, it was always so hush hush and he would lie to my face about what was going on and so forth, that it was getting pretty hairy at our house, i had since moved into one of our 4 spare rooms, put a lock on the door, but he would continue to come to my door/window in need of sex, as dumb as i was, i was trying so desperately to keep some kind of contact with him that i didnt want to realize what was actually going on. I had gone home that year for christmas with my family, it felt like angels singing, i was where i belonged, with people that i loved and they loved me unconditionally, i know that now. I had taken lil miss Mollee our dog that we had rescued, on my way back to Texas i had told him thats what i wanted more than anything was to move back home, again i was blindsided, when your in love you fight for it. No matter what! So i gave him another chanced.

At one point it had gotten so bad, we were stuck helping his mother move in with the grandparents, that girl had been texting me and telling me that i was in the way of their love and i needed to leave so that they could be together and i was emotionally in a wreck and still had to help his god for saken mother when she was nothing but ugly to me. So then it just progressed worse from there, i didnt want that girl at my house, the dbag was watching her child when she was working at the gas station. So that woman was at my house more than necessary, it was always a consideration that she be gone before i get home, well one day he refused to do it, at this moment i was just so emotionally screwed up in the head, i called the sheriffs dept and they came and removed her from my property, he was so confident that they were going to boot me out that he went with her. Oh my there was never enough alcohol in my house. So the roomy would try to console me, the hearing that he had spent christmas with this woman, he would go and spend the night at her parents house with her and still expect me to be his piece of ass on the side. So after my birthday in 2011, i wanted to go home for a visit, i was lucky enough to have my mom and grandparents chip in for a flight.

I had never flown before and i was sicker than a dog, though once i had a can of beer and the inflight snacks i bought i was good. I had told the dbag, if you are dating her when i get back its over, im leaving. So when i came back in 2010, i had met up with a high school friend, Justin, he had been in jail that xmas eve and we talked for a bit, nothing ever came of it, though i did hit the bridge due to the weather with my vehicle. The dbag and i were broken up right before June of 2010, so i had been single, cheating is a huge nono for me, my biological father did it to my mother and the women in my family just never seem to win with their first pick. So i do jump around i had told you that early on. Once i started getting to the point where i didnt care about him as much and i started to see everything, i did, i was not nice, im not going to be treated like crap for so long just to go and be nice to you! Finally realizing that i was worth something. I had within the last 2 or 3 years prior to 2011 i had reconnected with my friend E, we were pretty close until we got significant others, she was so used to me always being there, that when i had someone else to focus on i do beileve there was some slight jealousy.

There was a big blow out, she said that they thought it was weird that the dbag was so nice to her children, i a way that you would think that they were referring to child endangerment, to this day she doesnt remember what the fight was about, other than knowing i didnt have anything more to do with her. I took it as a personal slam, i loved those kids as they were my own and for you to say such things, i would never bring someone like that into contact with them! So i left...But getting back, well E recommeded that i go and visit her brother, i had known him before i left, a dark and moody boy, lol, he will probably read this later and be like Hey! But with him being just under 5 years younger than me, i would never have one the nerve to even talk to hiim barely, let alone start some kind of relationship, it was wrong you just dont do that. No jail bate thanks! So M has had some run ins with the law, im not one to defend anything he has done, he had gone to prison for them and has been there for 8 1/2 years by the time i sent the paper work to visit him. He was always nice to me, he had the most beautiful dark hair and pretty eyes to match. So as a curiosity and a interest in what this man now looked like. I sent that paper work in :)

So since i didnt do it earlier, the counselor had to do a rush visit, i was suppsosed to have a whole weekend, but alas that wasnt approved just one day, with his sister there, it didnt bother me too much, it was more interesting than anything i had ever seen. Let me tell you, movies and reality are totally different things. I felt like a shy young girl unsure of what to do and with this small gesture by E, turned into a tornado. So that weekend i tried to visit M a couple more times, but to find out they hadnt approved anymore visits. Well that was sure a bummer. So i had to head back just before the 4th of July in 2011. And the first things i heard when i asked the Dbag if he was seeing that other girl, he said he wanted to talk about it later, i said it is either a yes or no, are you, he responded yes. Ok then, from this day, i am moving back home in a month. I had told my friend E and M that i would do it, to this day they still cant believe that i did it. That next day i went into work and my boss was like i knew that if you went on this vacation that you would be moving back. I gave her my months notice, i told the dbag, do whatever you need to do to get my name off that house and land.

Ill tell you about another thing, we had at that given time 3 cats Abbygail, Taz, Rex, the first two were litter mates and Rex reminded me of a cat we had that ran away not long after we lived with his grandparents the 2nd time. He was a spittin image. We also hady Shylo, Shyan and Mollee, the S's were both beautiful Aussies, thats another thing the dbag did to earn money, breed puppies. When i told him that i was leaving, he told me i cold take Abby and Taz, they didnt like him anyhow. Animals know when somone is no good. But oh did they love their momma, (as i cry just a little more) all my cats did. Dbag was a bully and he bullied up till after the very end. Well about half way through my month, so close to just being done with it all, i get an email from my neighbor, that was a whole other story, craziness, they had gotten evicted but not before we found out they were something else, their animals would run away to our house because we would feed them. Dogs, Horses, yes i said horses. And for being horse people they were going to breed the two ponies, deadpanned face here, their boy one was already cut, or fixed as a better term. I remember looking out at their house in the dark as her husband had a flashlight looking under the pony that night.

Really OMG! They had gotten rid of them within the week. Poor horsies! So anyhow i had gotten an email saying that my house was on fire, i called her and im like what kind of sick joke is this? She goes its not, i just heard it on the fire scanner, her and her husband were both volunteer fire fighters. I explained what i needed to, to the boss and i was outta there, i was on the phone with my mother, grandmother, E, as soon as i drove around the curve i was devastated, OMG, the only part of the house that was left was my bedroom, a portion of the roomys and not much more, the frame. I had dropped the phone and i dont remember much, i remember asking someone where my animals were at, i know i asked the dbag how he was, but that girl was with him. And i was more worried about my dogs, which i rounded up. OMG, everything was just gone. Poof, it took the fire truck over 30 min to find our place, that house went up that fast. I was ready and packed to get out of there, im glad im a over zealous taper, some of my stuff survived, the smoke, water, fire. The insurance was just a pain, dbag tried to get everything he could and pocket what he could get away with. I stayed with his grandparents for the remainder of my time.

He wanted me to stay to wait for the insurance checks, we got back 20 grand, it was supposed to be split equally, but he refused to sign the check unless i gave him an extra 2 grand. WTF really?? So i got screwed out of that, we were looking for our cats, being their "mommy" i could have sworn i heard at least one of them in the woods next to our property. No such luck, i had gotten a call about a week after leaving and they found all three cats in my room buried under stuff, even worse, i was in there seeing if anything was salvageable and never knew they were under my feet, i think of them from time to time and even now i cry. Yes im a highly emotional person, get over it. But i moved with the help of my family sending money to do it, the dbag was insulted since he was like i guess your not going to give me any of it. Really! So i finally get on the road, i take Ranger the grandparents Cocker Spaniel that they found in the country and were going to get rid of him at the local shelter, i still have him. When all was said and done and i was moved back up to Iowa, i would get daily, more than once a day, calls from the dbag about how he missed me and didnt i miss him too, that we should visit, im like are you on crack? I dont want anything to do with you. We are not friends and its not going ot happen.

I had to eventually block his number, though being fair when i had gotten interest stuff back from tax season i called to let him know what it was, greedy jerk hole had already claimed almost the whole amount and then started calling me again, ugh no. I ended up doing another blocked number, he has ruined the Adams Family theme for me. And to this day, i cant prove but something tells me that wasnt an accidental fire, just knowing who he was as a person. I had actually come out and asked him, he was all hurt feelings about it and was like i wouldnt hurt animals like that. But it was ruled accidental by the fire marshall/insurance people. So the ending to the dbags story, he finally found his happily ever after with that 19 yr old girl, they moved in with his grandparents and her child too, just so they could get married in 2012, they have rebuilt on the property and should be moving in soon. I honestly dont care about his life so much, but i am curious sometimes, it seems that needing a skinny person is such a strong trait for him , i see similar aspects in her life that i had in mine with his doing. I tried to tell her that he is a liar and a manipulator, but she didnt want to listen, that will be her mistake someday.

So i came back home, living with my parents still, i started seeing M as a friend at first, not ready to rush into anything, a lil skittish i was. But i would get and still do get 8 visits a month with M, he has taken the classes needed to see the parole board and that will be happening soon and we had waited a year, we are engaged and we are just waiting, for me this was the best kind of relationship to have, getting to know M the right way, long term, we are building for better things. And i really dont care if anyone has a bad thing to say about being with a man that is in prison, people do things in their past, it is the past for a reason, we dont live there anymore. And you know what, my old co-workers were right, when i found the right guy, yes he treats me like a princess, whether i like it or not, he loves me unconditionally and he is showing me every visit, that i am a beautiful person not just on the inside but also on the out. Because of the dbag shredding any good thing i thought of myself, its been really tough to build myself back up, M still doesnt understand why, i just keep telling him it will take time. And before you make any harsh comments about he hasnt had a woman in so long, you can just stick that too. I had someone on the outside and look how that turned out, it took me almost 3 hours to write about it.

This is my public diary, im ok with that, hopefully someone will see it and be like i dont have to stay in this relationship anymore. Dont make someone else make you feel that you are not worth anything. When you find the right guy, he will make you feel wanted, good enough and beautiful. Ive been through a rough 7ish years and even with what i have now, we may not see each other as much as we would like to, we have a wonderful relationship that we can grow even stronger in. I cant wait! So for right now i bid you adieu. Have a wonderful day, week, weekend, live everyday like its your last and love unconditionally to the right person, you are someones Happily Ever After. Why wait around for your prince, the idiot maybe stuck in a tree or something and in need of being saved. (read that on Pintrest! lol)