There’s a new song that’s hitting me hard today called Happiest Year. Every word of it feels so real, and I can’t stop listening to it. This song makes me sad, regretful, but also so, so grateful.
Clay has honestly given me the happiest years of my life. And there are times that I wish I could take a time machine and relive parts of it. I feel sad because I feel like I’ve lost a wonderful relationship with my best friend and husband. It’s natural to grieve and feel lost at this time. He was the first person who gave me peace and made me feel emotionally safe. He was my biggest supporter I’ve ever had. I’m incredibly grateful to have experienced this, and I’m sad to close this door. There are things that I wish I did differently, or ways I wish we were different so that we could be a better match for each other. However, I learned so much from all parts of the relationship—the rise, the plateau, and the fall. Most of the lessons I learned were from the fall. I never realized that our marriage started to fall back in 2016. That was the very beginning of a very slow ending. At the time, I thought that what I had done actually strengthened our relationship because I came back and wanted to fix things and felt like I wanted to be more connected to him. What I know now is that if you ever feel compelled to cheat on a specific person because something is missing from your life, it’s time to get help or call it quits.
When we first started our break in October, I constantly told myself that it wasn’t too late, that we can still fix things, that it wasn’t going to end. I wouldn’t let it. In a way, I almost feel like I was being naive. It was 3 years too late for us to fix things. I never told him I cheated years ago, even when he asked me after we broke up. It’s something I’ll die with, and I can’t put my finger on why. He’s not my husband anymore, so why am I afraid of disappointing him, losing his trust and respect? I still care deeply about him, he’s family to me, even if he’s not my husband and I don’t want to hurt him. At this point the information doesn’t help him in any way, so I don’t see a reason to tell him and unnecessarily hurt him.
I feel regretful because I’m unhappy with my current situation. I mean, I am happy, especially compared to the last year with him. I feel free and more myself. I feel like I’m able to do more of the things I’ve been wanting to do for myself and I’m able to connect to others easier. I never realized how much energy he sucked from me. So part of me is regretful, part of me wishes I broke it off earlier.
I’m also sad that we always had this plan to get married, start a family, and grow old together. We had such young and naive love. We both needed something more mature. And through the experience, I know who I am. I know what I need. Despite the sadness and grief, I wouldn’t trade anything for how I spent my late teens and majority of my twenties.
I know that I am exactly where I’m meant to be. My feelings of sadness, freedom, regret, anger—they’re all so valid given what I’ve been through. I’m done being angry. It does nothing for me. I’m trading in anger for gratitude. I’m grateful to have the marriage. I’m grateful for the divorce. I’m grateful for the amazing support system that I have and the absolutely amazing friends that have been here for me through the toughest time of my life. I’m grateful for the opportunity to switch careers.
I need to give myself credit too, though. I’m really grateful for my ability to bounce back and not wallow in sadness. I am human. I’m allowed to having my feelings, but I’m determined to have them and deal with them in productive ways. I’m determined to heal from this. I had my first anxiety attack in months on Monday night. I was talking to Clay because I was feeling an intense sadness. Honestly, I’m not sure talking to him made me necessarily feel better, but I know that it was an emotional burden on him. He’s always been the strong one and there for me, but that’s how he cracked. I’m learning ways of dealing with difficult situations and emotions without needing his help. To be honest, our relationship wasn’t always great. We had our hard times. But every relationship does. It makes me a little angry that he expects a relationship without issues, but I guess that comes with maturity. I can’t be angry at that, I’ve learned my own lessons and I can’t control the lessons he learns. That’s up to him.
All I have to say is:
Thank you for the happiest years of my life, thus far.
I need to close this chapter, but it’s so hard. I do close it, and then I go back to reread it, and sometimes I’m hesitant to turn that final page. But it’s over. It’s done. There’s no going back. I accept that it’s part of my past and now it’s time to move forward. I just need to figure out what I want my next picture to look like so I can start painting it.
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