I’ve gotten back into listening to podcasts after a 2 month hiatus. While my husband and I were on a break, I listened to them everyday. I was so focused on improving myself and trying to save the marriage, that they were like my bible. I fell out of it because I haven’t been driving as much, and after my husband broke up with me, I needed a serious break from dissecting myself and my behavior. In a way, I also sort of felt as though I no longer had any motivation to improve myself since I couldn’t do it for the marriage.
I watched the Brene Brown’s Netflix special last week, and it was so inspiring. It immediately took me back to my self-love/self-help podcast days, and I immediately realized that I still have so much work to do on myself. After my ex (we’ll call him Clay) and I broke up, I immediately went into ‘get shit done’ mode. It makes sense, after being in a state of limbo for 4 months, not knowing which direction we’d go in, and leaving all decisions and control up to him. I reached my breaking point towards the end and I lacked the ability to set healthy boundaries because I desperately wanted the marriage to work. I lost myself, who I was, and my self-worth. Since the breakup, I went full force at moving forward with my life. Aside from school work, I filled my days with needing to be busy—whether it was finding an apartment and taking care of moving, or getting my feet wet in the dating world. Whether I want to admit it or not, looking back at it, I kept myself so busy that I didn’t allow myself to feel. I’m finally feeling, thanks to Brene’s friendly reminder to be vulnerable with myself. Watching her was such an ‘Aha!’ moment. It was a couple of days after this guy I was seeing for a couple weeks broke up with me. I already realized that I had trouble being vulnerable with him, and I saw that as a sign that maybe I wasn’t ready to date. And then Brene made me realize that I haven’t even been vulnerable with myself—I’ve been so busy for the last month and a half, that I never checked in with myself. And I felt a range of emotions over this time: sadness, anger, freedom, excitement, pain… And it’s all been very intense, but why did I put myself through dating during this time? Maybe some of it it was to lessen the intensity of the pain, maybe it was to regain my confidence. I am certain that at least part of it was so that I could experience for the first time in my life adult dating. I’ve been with the same boy for almost 12 years, and I needed to know that I could be desired by others, especially after what I went through for the last few months. I never felt so undesirable and low, and I needed to feel wanted to regain my self-esteem and feel confident that I am worthy of being wanted. I don’t think this is necessarily healthy. It probably isn’t the right way of building my self-esteem, but it is what it is.
I finally feel that I am worthy of love. And I’m happy to say that I did not realize that with the help of a man. Everyone is worthy of love. I felt a deep sense of time sensitive pressure to get remarried because I’m almost 29 and I want kids somedays. But if there’s anything that I learned from this marriage, it’s that I am strong. I am independent. I am resilient. And without sounding cliche, I don’t need a man in order to have a family. It would be great to have that companionship, but I’ve taken care of myself my whole life and I’ve always done what others have told me I couldn’t do. I’m not longer in this mentality that I need to prove myself, but I’m in this mentality that I can totally take care of myself, so why am I doubting myself now. If having a family is really important to me, I’ll have one regardless of a man being by my side.
To be honest with myself, I am dating, and it’s fun. I’m exploring. I’m working on myself at the same time. Am I ready for a long term relationship? No, I’m not looking, but if one falls in my lap, I won’t turn it down.
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