Just Some Thing I Found in Quotes and Thoughts

I found this post a little while ago. I have no idea who wrote it, but it really hit me hard.

“soda becomes vodka. bikes become cars. kisses turn into sex. remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? when protection meant wearing a helmet? when the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and mum was your hero? your worst enemies were your siblings? race issues were about who ran the fastest. war was only a card game. and the only drug we knew was cough medicine. when wearing a skirt didn’t make you a slut. the most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? and we couldn’t wait to grow up.”

I almost started crying when I looked at this. And I hate crying. It makes me feel weak and worthless, even though it should not.

It is just that when I was reading this, I was watching my childhood. The years going by that I was actually happy in. I could not wait to go outside the next day and run around with the neighborhood kids. On rainy days, we would get everybody outside, a group of at least 15, and play dodge ball. We loved the rain. And hide-and-seek. We loved splashing around in the pools. I even enjoyed playing video games with them. We had fun.

I am constantly torn between the strong pull I feel towards blind childhood and the longing I have to finally be old enough to be my own person.

I want to go back to when I did not understand anything. When I would get mad, but then a couple of minutes later be running around again and not remember anything. I want to see the world as a thing of hope again, not of cruelty and pain with rare bouts of success and happiness.

I want to jump ahead, to when I am done with high school and finishing up college. When I am free to be myself without living under my parent’s prying eyes. I want to feel safe and be ale to make my own decisions without having to discuss them with parental units. Heck, I even want to make a system to pay taxes. I feel so trapped being me and at this age, where I cannot do anything but try to be the good child and the good student, that I would rather have to be out working to pay for my own living.

Most of all, I just want to get out into the world. Or just away from here. I am so alone surrounded by people then I am when I sit on a grass field alone to watch a sunset. At least when I am older, everything will not be so clouded by the teenage hormones. I want to see clearly.

I know it does not get much better, but honestly, anything is better than how I feel. I am supposed to be enjoying the limited years of freedom I have as a child, but all I can think about is the day I finally get to drive away. I do not want to be so alone anymore. I just want to be okay again.

Last updated April 22, 2020