Queensland (Long Entry!) in Days of My Destiny

Queensland was just amazing.............. all trips are good, but some are outstanding. This was one of them. I really had time to connect and re-bond with the people closest to me. Namely two people, my sister and my closest friend T. I love that I didn't even get to bed until 3am after arriving at my sister's - because we were too busy talking sleepily! So much so that the next day we had no recollection of what we might've talked about in the last 3 of all of those hours, hahahahahaha! And my eyes were closing on me but I didn't want to fall asleep because I didn't want to miss out on anything she had to say. It reminded me of the years we were still living at home together. Bliss. I was also equally impressed at how well our daughters got along. It wasn't without its moments, of course, but I can say with confidence that it was the best time shared between them yet. They are all growing - and they're growing beautifully at that. The Grateful Exhibition on Friday night was lovely. I thought it'd be a lot bigger than it was, and so it only took my sister and I about a half hour to really look at all the photos that were printed. I had been asked for 3 photos but only 1 was printed. I'd say this exhibition could be a LOT bigger and better if only they had more money to work with. As it was, they asked for donations to fund the event, so when you take that into account, they did really really well! I met a lady who happens to live out this way, about a half hour away from where I am!! I found out about it last week through my committee secretary, as she is friends with her! So that was pretty cool. Her daughters performed that night too but we just missed the performance when we arrived. I also met a man whose drawings have made quite an impression on me. He's in his 50's or so and he said he only started drawing a few years ago for therapy. I can't believe the talent!!! Seeing as it was over for us quite soon into the night, it turned into a bit of a DATE NIGHT!!!!!! Which was just - wonderful. It was exciting and I felt giddy from having this extra time together, without anybodhy knowing! It was like, technically we should be heading home, but stuff that! It felt a little bit naughty, hahahahahahaha! The night was AWESOME. We strolled the main mall. There was conversation, there were people going places, there was music filling my ears and my soul. I called it a Musicasm, hahahaha. Oh I was so in love with all of it. It's what I need, it's what reminds me of who I really am. And it means a lot to me. Finally we found our way to a really cool, underground (literally) restaurant. This restaurant was PACKED. We strolled in and chose a table, sat down and talked to our hearts' content while we waited for the waitress to come by. She never came. We didn't mind for a long time, seeing as we were so immersed in our own bubble of happiness. Finally it occurred to us that maybe it wasn't table service...... my sister went to investigate. Turned out we weren't supposed to be there - you're supposed to BOOK tables, and the entire restaurant was booked out for another hour!!!!!!!!!!! Lololololololollol!!!!!! So we walked out. I was somewhat embarrassed, seeing as everyone else probably realised what the situation was as we walked out, hahaha, but it was all fun. Typical of us, hahahahaha!!!! So we walked out, heads held high and strolled through the city streets again, talking all the while. We came across a café inside a building (I think it's where the cinemas are or used to be) so we sat down and conversed some more. I love love love that we never ever ever run out of things to say, and if we talk about the same thing over and over again (and we do!) there is ALWAYS a new angle to look at things from, or new ideas and thoughts and developments. We walked back towards the restaurant, again through the mall. At one point there were some guys in costume and one was walking towards me, looking at me. I could tell me was drunk. He was looking at me quite seriously, and I didn't know if he was about to fall over or what, because he was walking away from his friends. When I saw that he was looking at me quite determinedly and walking until he was RIGHT in front of me, I said hello and in all seriousness he simply said, "You're gorgeous." LOL. It was a cute moment! One part of me was flattered but the major part of me was thinking, "I don't really miss this." While it was nice to be told by a complete stranger, my eyes are only for my man and he tells me these things all the time. I'm not who I was 5 years ago. I'm glad for that. Still, I appreciated it for what it was worth. We got to the restaurant and mmm the meal was delish! A little on the spicy side but still yummy. By now the restaurant really WAS packed. Because it was an underground restaurant, there were no windows. I could smell people and feel their heat. At first I didn't mind it, I just noticed it, but towards the end of the evening I found that I was sweating and in real need of some oxygen! It was pretty funny, at one point some guy somewhere in the restaurant yelled out, "PENIS!!!!!" hahahaha. You'd NEVER get that out where I live! Pretty funny lol. On Saturday I headed off to T's place at around 10am. She had told me we'd be going rock climbing that day, but when I got there, I was the only one dressed for that! What I didn't realise was that we were going to the West End markets first, then heading out to lunch, THEN going rock climbing. I felt a little on the silly side dressed in exercise clothes at the markets. Had I known, I would've left what I originally had put on to wear, flowing skirt, nice top, etc. Anyhow it wasn't the end of the world. The markets - I never had been to these markets to be honest until I moved away. I went there last time and really enjoyed it. It felt like a little bit of home for my heart. This time though, I FELL IN LOVE with the place. The people, the smells, the food, the music, the entertainers.... ahhhhhhh........ it's everything all my senses have needed!!!! There was one entertainer there from Mexico. He was a one-man show, doing all sorts of amazing physical tricks, climbing up a pole (that was held upright by 4 ropes - that 4 volunteers from the crowd were holding with all their might!). He spoke a lot about supporting his family back home and added jokes about the mistress. The thing that made me laugh the most about these mistress jokes is that they are SO typical in South American countries but unheard of in Australia, you just wouldn't do it! So the crowd was in stitches!!!! LOLOLOL. It really worked a treat. Anyway this guy was so good with the crowd, he really was a great entertainer. In the end he told everyone not to go away, that his wife had given him two bags that she expected him to take home full of money. He pulled them out and they were fully home made black sacks lolololol!! They were huge!!! Everybody laughed, lol. He ended up saying that even food was welcome. As I approached the bag looking in my own handbag for all the spare coins I had (him being Mexican meant that I naturally felt inclined to be as generous as possible!) and I found a zip-lock bag with Shapes in it, so I asked him if this was okay and he nodded - so in went the bag of food hahahahahaha!!!!! T's boyfriend Chris was in stitches, lol. We went to a place called Wrapture for lunch. Their food is awesome - healthy and plenty of vegetarian Gluten Free options. (Which is no surprise in the city, really, but still a welcome change on my end of things. I'm not strictly vegetarian - or GF - but am interested in healthy and GF foods from time to time.) Their table numbers suited me too. We sat at table number 8 and three quarters. I LOVE IT!!!! I set my alarm for random times ALWAYS, so these are my kind of tables!!!! Lol. I was telling Chris about that while T was in the bathroom and he said that T also sets random alarm times!!! So I learned something new about her that day, 13 years into our friendship lol!!!! In the end we started to run out of time. We were supposed to be at the rock climbing thing by a set time so we rushed back to T's place to get changed. In the meantime I started to hit the wall (ie get really really tired) and so did Chris, seeing as we'd both had late nights (and I'd also had a gigantic roadtrip before that - on little sleep!). So Chris and I stayed at T's place to rest, and T and her friend Alex went rock climbing. Unfortunately I didn't get the sleep I needed exactly. T lives with her sister and so her sister was arguing with her own partner downstairs. All I could hear was muffled cries and shouts and then firm talking and long pauses and more arguing. It went on for ages, I don't know what the go was. I wish I did, lol. In the end I got up and hung about the house. I decided that was a good time to start catching up on some emails to do with my Presidency. I had seen the emails increasing dramatically and I knew that there'd be so many there waiting for me as soon as I got back. It was something that was playing on the back of my mind so I just got onto it straight away. I'm glad I did because a lot of them weren't that important, they were just back'n'forth emails among the committee, so I knew that the important emails waiting for me once I got home weren't as prolific as I had originally thought. Phew! (There's this thing the old executives were just starting to implement called transparency where all emails are read by the entire committee. It's a little bit of a nuisance and my sister told me that really that's not what transparency is about at all, so might need to research this so I can make adjustments where necessary because it really is a little on the absurd side!) T and Alex returned and then we headed out to buy some groceries for the upcoming party. We got back, had a quiet drink and started to get ready. The party was originally for T's birthday but at the same time, her sister's partner became an Australian citizen, so those two decided to celebrate the two together. My experience of this was great, I really enjoyed it, but I could tell that T wasn't enjoying it as much. This is due to the different personalities her and her sister have. T's way of partying is a lot more subdued, it's an opportunity to connect and really converse with people. Her version of parties is everyone sits down and talks and enjoys that. Whereas her sister is a whole other ball of energy and life! Her and her partner naturally attract people to them because they really are the life of any party! They just are lol! And so with that comes the crazy jokes, the dancing, the dressing up and so on. On top of this, T's boyfriend used to drink lots and get quite drunk at parties, he was a bit of a party boy with his boys and again, this isn't T's way of doing things. I could tell she was getting annoyed with his drunk antics, though I enjoyed them and thought they were funny. (Sometimes I quietly think that T needs to lighten up at these particular times and just accept things as they are, but anyway....) I could see she was trying hard though to be in the moment and enjoy it, but at the end of the day it's just not HER, and that's okay too. At another point, her boyfriend and nephew were drunk enough to start talking real low-class Aussie stuff, using all sorts of expletives for the sake of using expletives, and she is SO not that, lol! And neither am I so I didn't really enjoy that part of it. Part I did really really like watching her sister and her sister's partner dance. Her sister has a beautiful, sensual way of dancing which is natural to her, while her sister's partner dances like she's at a rave, lol, so it's an awesome mix to watch!!!!! There was a little girl there, Joanna, who danced to her heart's content. She was only 5. The crazy part? She danced non-stop for about 2 or 3 hours! The crazier part? Neither of her parents are dancers!!!! LOL!!! I could see by the way she was dancing so persistently and in such a focused manner that this girl will ALWAYS use dance to express herself!!!!! It ended up being another late night, I went to bed at 2am. I wasn't too happy about this this time around because I knew I still hadn't caught up on rest, and I didn't want to be exhausted for my girls the next day. (Oh yeah, they travelled with me by the way! It was meant to be a solo trip but seeing as my niece had been really really missing my daughters, I took them with! It was awesome!) Also I knew that my trip back home was still pending and I was failing to see where on earth I'd fit rest in for THAT! But no worries. I drank one bottle of wine over the course of 9 hours in order to take it as easy as possible. I also couldn't have gone to bed any earlier than when the party finished because of where my room was. I slept in the same bed as Alex, with whom I had connected wonderfully throughout the course of the day and so we lay there talking and talking for about half an hour. She shared with me her concerns regarding T and her lack of faith in her boyfriend and her inability to see how good he really is for her. The thing is, for T, a spiritual connection is top of the list, and she has never had that with her boyfriend. But my goodness he's tried! And not only that, he sure as hell goes above and beyond in EVERY OTHER DEPARTMENT. And so I can see both Alex and T's points of view. I tend to agree with Alex though. Alex has only known T for 7 years, I've known her for 13. This is the best relationship I've seen her in.... but she struggles continually with it because of the spiritual connection factor - and I do understand that. It's just such a shame, really..... from Alex's point of view, she is listening to all of T's thoughts and suffering in silence, because she has been single for FIVE YEARS!!!! And so to her, she only WISHES she could have someone like Chris in her life!!! And she said that very thing to me!!!! So I really feel for poor Alex :( The next day, Sunday, we had to leave T's by 10am to take Alex to the airport (she had travelled from interstate). I had assumed the whole time I would go, but T was actually pleasantly surprised when she realised I was going, in fact her whole face lit up! Lol. I was only too happy to see Alex off, especially as I had really gelled with her. On the way home, T took the wrong exit but this was totally fine for both of us, it just meant we got more quality time together! Lol. We got back to her place and she chilled on the hammock and I sat on a chair while we continued our conversation. We then joined her boyfriend and nephew on the couch. They were really embarrassed when we first got there and had turned the TV off. They were too embarrassed to admit that they were watching a documentary on Katy Perry, lololol! They relaxed when they knew I've been to her concert, haha. Goodness that documentary is amazing. I didn't see all of it but the part I saw really moved me. It showed her through her break-up with Russell Brand and how tough it was on her. It was in the middle of a crazy year-long (?) tour she did. She was exhausted and depressed. You could see her wanting nothing but sleep, and crying broken-hearted, curled up in the foetal position backstage and then getting up, getting the make-up done, putting on the costume, taking a deeeeeep breath, plastering the smile on her face and being lifted onto the stage, ready to perform. Oh my goodness. I know that performers don't always feel like performing and that life goes on and that the show must go on despite their personal struggles - but to actually SEE it... was a whole other thing. I had a lump in my throat and even had to walk to the bathroom after that just to have a little cry about it. I was also feeling vulnerable already because I actually did miss L so much this trip. I already had missed him last time I travelled without him and I'd said I wouldn't do that again, yet here I was, and the feelings were even stronger. The thing about travelling is that I know just how lonely HE is. When I travel alone, he's left with the girls and it's fine, but when I take the girls aswell - he gets really really lonely. It makes me miss him because he's just so great and I'm the one having all the fun and re-connecting with my old life and friends, and he has to stay there all alone.... it didn't help that our phone reception has gone to shit at our place so every phone call of ours was adhoc, I could barely hear him say much at all and so we'd only end up talking for about 2 minutes at a time. So when I watched that footage of Katy Perry doing her best and NOT cancelling the show despite her assistants asking her plenty of times if she wanted to and advising that she could do so........ I put myself in her position. Imagine if I'd ended up a famous singer. I do sing and write songs after all. Just imagine that was me, and then L decides - in the middle of a crazy tour - that it's over. Oh my goodness.... how would I have handled it? I probably would've cancelled the show and disappointed my fans. But she didn't, and this shows the strength of her character. I admired her suddenly all the more for that alone.

I left shortly after that. Chris had served us a soup he cooked on the night T had expected I'd be arriving. It was DELICIOUS. I asked him if he's TRYING to show off to the world how good he is, because it's working! He looked flattered and embarrassed and glanced over at T, who didn't look too impressed with that comment, and I was wishing as I said it that I'd kept my mouth shut. I just couldn't help it and totally didn't mean it as a flirtatious thing. I hope T knows that because we had just had a conversation about how I've changed so much since my dark days with L. Anyway I quickly added, "What I'm trying to say is that you need to go on a date with L and share this meal with HIM," and he cracked up laughing, lol. Luckily it quickly turned things around and lightened the mood. (Eek!) I'm so glad him and L get along so well, apparently after they visited us in November last year (was it November?) he said, "I found a new friend," and the funny thing is that L said to me, "I feel like I've made a new mate."

Awwwwww!

Lol.

I went back to my sister's place and was so delightfully surprised when I walked in ... to a quiet house!!! The girls weren't fighting or crying or shouting or anything! They were simply, painting! LOLOL. It's one of those quiet and fun activities but because I didn't know what they were up to, it was such a nice surprise! They're all so adorable! My sister had organized to then go out with her man and daughter so that they could have some quality time together and also so that I could have some quality time together with my own girls. Unfortunately my sister and her family have had some really busy times and it's getting to a point where it needs to stop but can't due to their business. It's one of those difficult situations :( I hope it passes soon :( Anyway so they headed out and my girls didn't know what they wanted to do. In the end we went for a walk down the road and onto this path and bushy area my sister had told me about. That was really nice, then we walked back up to her house and hopped in the car and went to visit mum as planned.

The visit went well. I mostly hung about, I think. Mum had bought ice creams for us all, specifically because I was coming, so I really appreciated that. I had dinner and we mainly just hung around the lounge room, chatting. I wondered about a bit. Little L had a sleep. M then got tired. We all sat together outside at night time, as usual. Talking, sharing, dad making his usual funny jokes. (Lol) In the end it was time to go and I started saying my goodbyes. Mum said she would not come to visit me in April as stated at the start of the year. This was a sore point for me because it's not the first time she says she'll come and then cancels. I miss them too!!!!! So I couldn't help but roll my eyes and simply walk away. I breathed deeply while away but when I walked back the feelings of frustration were still there and I knew that mum could sense that. She was full of explanations and she said sorry again and I still couldn't hide my feelings. I said it was fine, to just come whenever. There was a bit of an awkward silence so I ended up saying that at the end of the day, there's always something ELSE that is more important than coming to see me. The thing is, her reason this time is completely justifiable (my sister-in-law is due around that time and so mum will stick around), but it doesn't stop my feelings, because they are being carried over from the previous situation just like this, and the chance to talk to her about it then never presented itself so I'd decided to suffer silently and move on. And now this. It was a sad way to say goodbye after all but I don't believe it will turn into the biggest drama like usual. I haven't had a confrontation with mum for about 4 years now and oh my goodness she has changed a lot since then. *For the first time in my life..... * I was the child, crying into her arms. She was the adult, saying sorry. She was the parent, admitting that perhaps her priorities have been elsewhere. THAT is what made me cry more. I had snot quickly dribbling down my nose and onto my top lip and I had to ask my younger brother to please get me a tissue. (!!) In the end I told her that while I could understand her reasons, I had struggled to accept them and that there was no real solution and that I did forgive her. I think that tiny little confrontation may just have brought us closer somehow. For the first time ever, we were two adults, dealing with a situation in an adult way.

The next day we got ready to leave. We took my niece to her preschool. Poor little thing, she was so sad due to the busy-ness in her own little life lately, something she will not comprehend the full scope of, but also because we had to leave. She looked so sad when I was saying goodbye and her eyes were glossy. Even now while typing this my eyes are filling with tears. It was the saddest thing :( :( I couldn't help my own tears in that moment, I wanted to scoop her up and tell her everything would be okay, that life WILL work itself out. :'(

I had planned to leave straight after that to go and pay L's grandma a quick visit, but at the last minute I decided to go for one last coffee with my sister. I'm really glad I did that. I hadn't had breakfast anyway, I later realised lol. It was one lucky last chance to share..... we always share... I love it. I noticed that she didn't put any walls up in moments of vulnerability this time, and all I could think was that FINALLY this has happened. Her character has been strengthened SO MUCH in the last year and a half, and while these changes have been reflected through her writings, seeing it in person was a whole other thing. I am so proud of you, A xxx

I left then to see L's grandma. She's aging. It's sad. Her head sits on an angle and she couldn't turn it to see the girls on the other side. She used to be able to do that. Anyway she was happy to see us. L's mum was there too and when I was leaving there, she thanked me and said that it was really good of me to drop in and see her mum and that she really appreciated it. So that was nice feedback :)

The trip home was long and boring. I was mostly exhausted and the girls were... who knows WHAT they were. They were noisy and annoying, lol. Actually while they were around L's mum, M completely changed. She became a brat, talking like one, acting like one. It was like she was this whole.other.person. I was baffled and pissed off. After all that wonderful feedback about how much her behaviour has improved and how people can see she's so at peace now and how things have taken a full 180 turn.... she threw it all away in front of grandma. I was SO fuck'n pissed off, I tell you! And then this stupid hypo-ness lasted - THE REST OF THE TRIP. It was hard to handle. I asked her WHY she behaved like that in front of grandma and she said she didn't know. I told her she will NOT be like this when they come next Saturday (for ten whole days). I repeated that so many times, more trying to convince MYSELF. It was crazy. Halfway home I was really over the noise and hypo states so I had a good go at them and then M fell asleep, lol. She fell asleep for about 10 minutes, but it was almost enough for her to calm down.

It was SO SO SO good to see my man again. Ahhhhhhhhh I love that adorable, funny, handsome man with the most beautiful soul. I love him. I just love him!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've noticed that I have come home with so much gratitude. And for that, I am thankful.